To: Subscribers

Subject: Thanksgiving Thoughts

As Democrats, we should be thankful for many things this year. I’m of course thankful we have a President-elect who subscribes to progressive principles and is aggressively bringing change to Washington with his appointment of former Clinton Administration officials. I have to be thankful for my son being hired to work in the Obama White House. While I was nearly completely absent for his childhood, I’m more than happy to share in his accomplishments.

Also, great work by the staff of both our House and Senate campaign committee will contribute to the most Democratic Senate since 1993, or since 1997, depending on how the Franken Recount and the James Martin-Saxby Chambliss runoff go.

However, as thankful as I am for the resurgent Democratic might across the country, it wouldn’t have been possible but for the hard work of our opponents. The ability to have more than half the Congressional Districts in the country gerrymandered to favor you, and still find yourself nearly 80 seats behind the other party is a feat of incompetence that deserves an admittance into a Hall of Fame.

I’m excited by much of the cross-talk I’ve observed from the right which indicates the right’s issues are just beginning:

• Secular conservatives blaming Republican defeat on the religious right. My Thanksgiving prayer to every deity, or to none at all if you prefer, is, “Please let them kick the religious right out.” If hot-button issues, such as abortion or gay marriage, are thrown out of the political sphere, it will be to our benefit. There is a word for many of these “Values Voters,” if social issues are thrown out of the political equation. “Democrats” or “Non-voters.”

There are simply not enough voters who agree with Republican economics, but have their vote swung by the Democrats’ stance in favor of abortion. If the Republicans can’t win with the religious right, they can’t win without them, either. The most secular conservatives will win is the ability to lose in an intellectually satisfying matter.

The best thing about this scapegoating is that it distracts from what caused the Republicans to fail (incompetence in government) and makes a constituency that is vital to any future electoral success feel persecuted. As I said, heck of a job.

• The urge for unity from figures such as Michael Reagan. This actually raises many more philosophical questions than it provides. What is there to unify around? What does it mean to be a Republican? Does anyone know anymore? From what I gather, being a Republican means that you support bailouts for everyone but the middle class. What do they expect people to rally to? A strong and abiding belief in the letter “R?” Or how about standing firm behind the clueless leadership that led them over the cliff?

Again, heck of a job.

• Finally, the attempt by some to scapegoat the GOP voters. It was “their fault” for not getting more energized. It was the fault of several million Republican voters who decided to “take their ball and go home.” Or the voters who were just so misinformed and confused they voted for Obama.

The arrogance of the argument is astounding (even for me.) It’s the fault of voters that they didn’t vote your way or weren’t inspired? We have to be thankful to think that it’s their voters jobs to inspire themselves to come out and vote. Or they believe it’s the job of volunteers to motivate themselves. Of course, neither volunteers nor voters are the professional in this matter of elections. It is the job of candidates and party officials to win the support of enough voters. It seems some are saying it is the job of these voters to materialize and vote Republican. It’s the fantasy land rules of politics that our Republican opponents believe in that allow them the luxury of such idiotic ignorance.

With such an inept opposition from the Republicans, we should accustom ourselves to the wine of victory, and those of you in Congress should get used to the calls of Mister Chairman, Madam Speaker, etc. Despite whatever flaws the years reveal in our party, we’ll always have one advantage: We’re not Republicans.

Best Personal Regards,
Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

Confidential Memo

To: Democratic Operatives, Our Media Allies

From: Dave Screwtape, Democratic Consultant

Sarah Palin must be discredited. The risks of having the first woman Vice-President be a conservative Republican are just too high. It will make young women more open to being Republicans, or even to opposing abortion. Nothing good can from a Palin Vice-Presidency, and we must, in a careful calculated way, begin the process of discrediting her before she does serious damage to the county, and more importantly, our party.

How Not To Discredit Palin

First of all, Alan Colmes and the Daily Kos have been out front questioning Palin’s prenatal care on her last pregnancy. I don’t know about you, but to quote our nominee figuring out the appropriate decision on pre-natal care when her water broke while she visited Texas is above my pay grade.

It’s really quite unbecoming for men, in particular, to be talking about this. We want to avoid such overt sexism in this campaign. What’s really called for is far more subtle sexism.

Covert Sexism

I am a fully liberated man who respects that women are unique individuals and equals. However, this is an election and we must carefully exploit sexist tendencies in the American people. Some may be squeamish about this, but this is politics, and in politics, you go for the kneecaps.

Obviously, we can’t say, “Don’t vote for Palin, because she’s a woman.”

However, we can say that she’s not ready to lead. When conservatives point out that Palin has as much experience as Senator Obama, they only weaken their case. Everyone who’s ever lived with a woman knows they take longer to get ready.

Another great adjective was used by the Lieutenant Governor of Wisconsin, Barbara Lawton, who bravely set an example for all Democratic women, by putting her party before her gender, saying Palin would make “a fragile president.” She’s set an example for us all. Don’t say Palin’s weak because she’s a woman, say she’s weak and the voters will believe it because she is a woman.

Secondly, strongly emphasize her physical attractiveness. Even with the glasses and ridiculous hairdo she outclasses most women in politics. No one takes attractive women seriously. Find a single attractive woman in the U.S. Senate. You can’t.

Most people believe that attractive women should be modeling tight-fitting garments on the Price is Right, not trying to school the nation on energy policy. T

Religious Hypocrite

Now, some people may be minded to search for her pastor having said controversial things. Let me ask, “Do we really want to go there?” Personally, I’d rather leave the Jeremiah Wright story buried as it has been for three months now, and you can’t bring up anything Palin’s pastors might have said without putting Jeremiah Wright into play.

However, it is fair to go after Palin as a religious hypocrite. The good news about this is attacking her as such doesn’t require that one actually understand the religion. Most Americans only go to Church on Easter, if that. They think they understand religion because they’ve seen movies about it made by people who also don’t understand religion.

If one understands the mindset of most Americans on religion, you can accuse her of one of three unforgivable sins:

• Having, at any time, worn any clothing that’s exposed anything above her knee. Thus, it is legitimate to try and find a picture of Governor Palin in a bikini. It also helps with the previous point.
• Having at any time had premarital sex.
• Her children having premarital sex (this is called hypocrisy by proxy.) After all, if you’re a good parent, your children do everything you tell them to.

State Record

Go after Palin’s state political record with reckless abandon. People often cite her 80% approval ratings, but the fact is that 20% of Alaskans don’t approve of how she does her job and many of these people have blogs.

State political records are like inkblots or clouds. Their shape is in the eye of the beholder. Thus, with no knowledge whatsoever of Alaska politics, you can begin cherry picking the record based on statements from disgruntled Alaskans. It’ll be hard for the Republicans to fight back because most of them have no clue about Alaska politics, either.

I urge you to heed the words of the French Proverb and tell the policy lie that gets half way around the World before the truth gets its boots on. Be unashamed to distort the record of this woman, because no one will correct you who can be heard in any meaningful way.

Finally, never refer to her as Governor Palin. Refer to her as Ms. Palin, a former Beauty Queen (preferred) or the former Mayor of a town of 9,000.

Be careful not to tolerate similar treatment of Senator Obama. If some wise guy starts calling Barack Obama, “A Former State Legislator” or “Former Law Review Editor” call them out as the racist they are.

Regards,

Dave Screwtape.

The Screwtape Report is satire written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

The 2008 election marks a time of great celebration. Regardless of the eventual outcome, a great triumph is complete. It is not the triumph of a political party, but of those of us who’ve become America’s kingmakers.

It’s been a long time coming, but now America has matured to the point where we no longer rely on farmers, ranchers, and civic activists to choose our Presidents, we’ve successfully figured how to make life simple for American voters.

In order to become the Presidential nominee of either party, you still have to make the pretense of visiting Iowa and New Hampshire, but the realistic choices have already been decided by a combination of party bosses, political consultants, fundraising kings, and the media.

There was a dark time in our country when tens of thousands of people chose who became the nominee of a political party. Raucous county caucuses led to raucous state conventions, and then the Summer led to an event where tempers flared and the political theater played out as America waited with baited breath as the first ever reality TV shows were produced live-the Republican and Democratic conventions (though the first weren’t televised). The winner would be their party’s nominee for President.

Oh, how abhorrent this process was! How uncontrollable! How unmanageable! Several times people found themselves absolutely shocked to be their party’s nominee for President. Now, we’ve turned the party conventions into the biggest infomercial in America. We’ve made politics boring, but we’ve made it very predictable, which our leadership in both parties is most grateful for.

I remember when the 1974 Campaign Finance law was passed. I was a visionary, I saw the future. No longer able to rely on a few big contributors, campaigns needed hundreds, and later thousands, of small contributions, raked in by prodigious fundraisers, without which a campaign had no prayer.

Of course, this was a long time coming. I realized in the 1970s how hard Iowa and New Hampshire would be for us to master. With candidates able to spend weeks around the corn fields of Iowa and the mountains of New Hampshire, they could make a surprise showing to help them raise funds to compete in larger states down the line. Iowa and New Hampshire winnowed the field, and the rest of the states were then able to pick a winner from the remaining candidates.

This was quite problematic, but in 1988, we had the first Super Tuesday as Southern States moved their primaries forward to have a greater influence on the outcome. I licked my chops, knowing how the state party bosses worked. They wouldn’t let the South have this advantage for long, and by 1996, New England States moved their primaries to the week before Super Tuesday for Junior Tuesday. Then, California moved to Super Tuesday in 2000. Oh, it was glorious to watch as slowly the noose tightened around the old system, and now in 2008, we watch the body hang.

Long live the new kingmakers! We’ve now guaranteed that candidates must raise absurd amounts of money in a short period of time if they’re to be successful in their campaigns. They have no time between Iowa and New Hampshire to raise enough to funds before the merciless onslaught that will occur on February 5^th.

And how have we done this? In the name of Democracy. A democracy of people going to the polls with little clue or understanding as to who they’re voting for and a media that’s told them beforehand that they only have two choices, perhaps three.

We’ve also used the name of fairness and our greatest ally for weak minds: envy. Party bosses have gone from state to state telling state legislators and party membership, “We should vote earlier to have a greater impact on the process, it’s not fair.” The fools never considered that all they will gain for the effort and expense of an early presidential primary is a slate of campaign ads filling up their television sets, as candidates fly in for orchestrated events and then leave.

And there are some idiot savants out there who want a National Primary. Oh, let it be. Then, we’ll strip away the last vestiges of grassroots control.

As it, it’s pretty well limited. Under the current system, our kingmakers are what matters. The kingmakers all have a role to play:

• Political consultants: We’re at the top of the ladder. We know people and we bring together the campaign apparatus. We call in our favors from state party bosses and gain audiences for the top candidates.

• Fundraisers: The cash cows that will be fed, more often than not, at taxpayer expense.

• State Party Bosses: Their importance is diminished from years past, but still it’s not a bad gig. They can direct money, party machinery, and other apparatuses behind the candidates of their choice, while giving short shrift to those who are not some of the top candidates chosen by the fundraising crowd.

• The Media: They serve as the echo chamber for the party leaders. We’ve created a whole group of political experts and columnists who have no purpose in life other than to go on television, appear intelligent, and spread political gossip. We call this ‘news.’ However, as they have to say something, they say what party leaders say and thus, when those who actually pay attention to the news tune in, they hear over and over, that only candidates A, B, and C are going to be acceptable and like sheep they believe it.

Thus every election, people vote for candidates they abhor rather than ones they like in the name of winning influence and victory. How joyous to see our game has worked!

You may ask if the Internet and the blogosphere pose a risk to this fine structure. You bet it does. The technology is in a place for a grassroots revolt, but don’t bet on it anytime soon.

Bloggers on both sides of the aisle are analysts, not revolutionaries. As such, they often simply regurgitate the analysis of the mainstream press and act like they’re clever in doing so. Most will become part of the machine. Because they’ve accepted that elections are about winning, and nothing else, they won’t deign to fight an uphill battle because they have neither the courage or endurance to do so. Even those who publicly dislike all the major candidates will simply throw up their hands and declare their distaste rather than taking on the hard task of fighting against the odds.

The type of people who fought for decades against all odds to get a Conservative Republican nominated for President don’t exist anymore, and long may they lie dead. We are forever blessed to have people with spines of jelly and wills of marshmallows who have no patience to engage in long struggles and fight for their parties, but will whine about the way things are.

Such helpless “victims of the system” are the key to our success. Their spineless cowardice will insure we remain America’s kingmakers and it’s lawful rulers.

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

This week’s report is directed especially to the media. The odds are fairly high that Mitt Romney will not be the Republican nominee. The fact that he has done 180s on so many conservative issues, while trying to run to the right (thus alienating moderates) adds up to a formula for defeat.

However, our media allies would do well to ignore this and focus on only one criticism of Romney: His Mormonism. Between now and the primaries, large amounts of face time should be given to those who argue that point, to the exclusion of those who merely state that Romney should not be the nominee because of instability on the issues.

Now, should Romney get to be the nominee, you’ll want to magnify these voices and create the allusion that Evangelicals would rather have the Democrat than a Mormon. Be sure and emphasize the Democratic nominee’s deeply held religious faith, even if you have to ignore inconvenient facts such as bi-annual church attendance. However, in the more likely event that he doesn’t win, there’s a great deal of good that can be done.

We must re-adjust the focus of the religious right. When Religious Conservatives focus on things such as developing a coherent worldview that lines up with their faith or the historic position of their faith on social issues of the day, we don’t do well. However, there are two focuses which will insure our victory.

First, focus on divisive religious issues. In a greatly underreported development, social concerns over issues like abortion, religion in society, and gay marriage have brought together longtime religious rivals including Catholic Priests, Evangelical Pastors, old school Mainline Protestants, Orthodox Jews, and even Mormons. They may think the others are theologically off-base, but they’ll put aside their disagreements for the greater good and pursue theological issues in other venues. This dangerous era of good feelings must end for the good of our party.

Our goal must be to bring the theological disagreements into the political sphere. This is where knowing your religions will come in handy. Should a member of the local Assembly of God announce for Congress, ask him what he thinks of speaking in tongues. If his family has been Pentecostal for years, do some research and see if they were tied to any fringe movements that did snake handling and demand he justify their actions. The frank answers to these questions will absolutely horrify Baptists, and mainline Protestants.

Then if a Baptist runs, ask him whether he thinks Catholics will go to Hell. Force Catholic politicians to defend the Pope on Birth Control and the real presence of Christ in Communion.

This will have marvelous effects. First, it will create fighting among the religious right. Second, if these stories are played right, you’ll succeed in scaring many voters. Most Americans are utterly ignorant on religious matters, so what would not shock an informed student of religion can be sensationalized and made to sound very scary to your average American.

Third, many people who may be sympathetic to Religious Right concerns will sense the utter un-American standard of judging someone on a theological litmus test and realize the need for “less religion in politics.” Fourth, you’ll have less religious right members entering politics (as people don’t run for office to be subject to an inquisition about their faith,) thus leaving less true believers among the political class to rally the religious right.

At the same time, it’s important to portray our candidates as people of faith. Get religious conservatives to focus on the religiosity of the candidate and have ministers talk about how “compassionate and thoughtful they are.” For our candidates, it would be helpful if they had a genuine religious experience. If not, fake it.

Regardless, divide and conquer should be our watchword with the religious right and Mitt Romney’s campaign offers us the perfect opportunity to begin the process.

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

Recent polling shows Congressional approval ratings in the 20s and the Presidential approval rating in the low 30s, indicating that America has entered a new era.

Your average voter is thoroughly disgusted with the two parties, but nineteen out of twenty would never think of joining a third party. Most are far too lazy to even vote in the primary. So, thus Americans view their choices as between the disgusting and the intolerable.

As much as getting people to like you is a laudable goal that gives most politicos warm fuzzies, let’s be realistic. Your job is to increase people’s loathing of your opponent while not making too many errors of your own. Here are the key rules:

1) Destroy Your Opponents

Politics in past eras could be compared to a boxing match. In this century, politics is an ultimate fighting cage match where only one candidate will walk out politically alive. Attack any inference of a hint that suggests a possible, potential ethical lapse no matter how unlikely.

If they receive funds from an out of state group portray that group up as an illuminati-esque antichrist that is trying to buy the election. Never address questions regarding your own out of state funds.

Quietly spread the most damaging rumors to eager media allies who will report your every statement on deep background. Your goal is not to win the election, it is to destroy your opponent. Having done that, you’ll win the election and frighten away future challengers.

2) Be Vague

Avoid campaigning on specific issues as people may not like what you have to say. Rather, use vague generalities.

Here are some stock phrases sure to go over well:

“I’ll stand up for working families”

“I’ll fight for better wages and better jobs.”

“I’ll bring change to Washington.”

“It’s time for us to reform Washington.”

These could mean anything, and in themselves they mean nothing, which is the point.

When your opponent raises substantive issues, attack him. Misrepresent his position in any way you can get away with. The closer to the election you do this, the better, as it’ll give him less time to recover.

For example, if a candidate supports the Fair Tax, run an ad forty-eight hours before the election inferring he favors adding a 23% sales tax to the income tax. Thus, you give him no time to explain that the Fair Tax eliminates payroll and income taxes. Avoid putting issues into perspective and you’ll do well.

3) Run as a Uniter

Given the people’s general disgust with politicians, you can gain points by promising to bring people together, while at the same time getting in a swipe in at your opponent’s base. You can do this to great effect, with no sense of irony.

Try saying, “I will work to bring us together, so we can end the era of vitriolic name-calling. Unlike my opponent and his band of haters, I believe in being positive about our future.”

And then later, you can have a good laugh about it backstage.

4) Pay the Piper

If you have illegitimate children, bitter ex-spouses, or old college buddies who could destroy you n a heartbeat, meet with whoever you need to keep quiet and insure they do

If people don’t have the money to pay people to keep quiet, they won’t run. If they’d rather not have rumors reported as fact, they won’t run. Thus, the field will be limited and our democracy will work, as we’ll hold onto our majority regardless of our unpopularity.

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

The following is a commentary from the Truth and Hope Report (http://www.truthandhope.2truth.com) Weekend update by Democratic Political Analyst Dave Screwtape

Father’s Day is a happy day of celebration for some people. For others, it’s a day when their guilt gets the better of them and they buy the man a tie and place a phone call in order to feel less guilty about a year of neglect.

For some, Father’s Day is a source of pain because of abusive or absent fathers.

My general opinion is that Father’s Day is hooey. I didn’t have a father around growing up, and neither did any of my illegitimate children in various remote vacation spots around the world. I turned out fine, and so did they (as far as I know.)

But, this raises a key point as to how Democrats can secure the votes of values voters and those concerned with such emotional concepts as “family.” We have taken a few key steps. The first and most important step is the redefinition of family.

For years, if one were to picture a family, you would picture the patriarchal vision of mother, father, and children, with grandfathers and grandmothers, aunts and uncles around. Now we recognize family can be anything. Family can be two gay men, two lesbian women, or a single woman adopting. Family can be non-related people brought together for non-sexual purposes. The phrase, “They’re my family” is used at thousands bars across America. The word “family” means anything and to value family one can value anything from a traditional model to a nice dinner at the Olive Garden.

The second key is to establish all family models as equal. This has been a bit of a challenge. While the right tries to establish an environment for ideal families to flourish, we refuse to acknowledge any intrinsic difference in outcome in child-rearing results with a single parent, two lesbians, two cohabitating heterosexuals, two male homosexuals, an intact heterosexual marriage, or divorced parents sharing custody. The fact is that we can find many stories of children who turned out fine raised in each of these circumstances, therefore they’re all equally okay.

What social conservatives harp on is which arrangement produces the best results for children overall. The issue is irrelevant. Children are not here for their own benefit, but for that of their parents. They are a commodity to which all people should have equal access without regard to race, marital status, sexual orientation, or gender identity. Now, this is not to say abuse can be tolerated. Should there be abuse (which naturally includes any kind of corporal punishment) a child can be removed just like you’d remove cable television from a home where you found someone wasn’t paying their bill.

Remember, we as Democrats can proudly stand for great principles, including not only family, but also faith, patriotism, and freedom—provided that we define those terms in an advantageous way and declare our definition equal, if not superior, to all others. This is Dave Screwtape.

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

The following is a commentary from the Truth and Hope Report (http://www.truthandhope.2truth.com) Weekend update by Democratic Political Dave Screwtape

There has been some controversy over Democrats receiving large contributions from lobbyists and PACs for such industries as banking and big oil. Or I should say, there would have been had our allies in the press not ignored it.

However, there is a question that has been asked by some that I’ll endeavor to answer. Should we, as Democrats follow the same corrupt path of Tom DeLay and the K Street project, that opened our government up to shame and scandal?

You bet your life! Big money contributions are what makes Washington work.

There are three things in Washington: the majority, the opposition, and money. Money is bi-partisan . There’s little to be had for being an ideologue (unless you back the agenda of the Club for Growth) but much to be had for being a friend of special interests.

Money goes with the majority and if you lose your majority, you lose many contributors as well. After all, how much influence does the 9th ranking minority member of the Small Business Committee have?

With our current campaign finance system, in order to maintain your seats, you must have the support of multiple interests. So, whether you like it or not, money is needed, and it is money by the hundreds of thousands. Corporate lawyers, lobbyists, and their friends will pour their money into the party in power. They run the halls of Congress. They paid to play and there’s little anyone can do about it.

The “solutions” offered are hard, if not completely unworkable. Public financing of elections is a pipe dream. It’d be incredibly hard to administer. Who’s a serious candidate? Who gets money? How much? How about third party candidates? How much do they get? If we could find a way to have all candidates funded at the same level, then incumbents would have an even larger advantage, but in open seats, Democrats would benefit from our friends in the mainstream press giving us an edge in their coverage.

The favorite Republican idea of eliminating all caps on individual contributions and requiring instant disclosure introduces a dangerous degree of unpredictability into our political process. If six or seven people can get together and provide $250,000 in seed money to a Congressional Campaign, this would do a horrendous amount of harm to those who make their living harnessing influence and raising obscene amounts of cash for members of Congress. In this economy should we really be putting people out of work?

In addition, for success, America requires a stable of government. We’ve worked hard to create a system where only those who are personally wealthy or well-connected to dozens of special interest power brokers can be elected to high office. Imagine what kind of harm would be done to the World’s greatest Democracy if just anybody could get elected to office?

If you’re in Congress, take my advice: take the money and use it. Buy yourself another term or so and feel good about it. You’ve shown those corporate scumbags a thing or two. You’re not selling out, they’re coming to you to pay protection money. Be sure to provide protection and you’ll continue to scare away anyone with serious thoughts of challenging you.

You should take great pains to show yourself that it’s all “worth it.” Be sure to fight for some cause of peripheral importance such as voting for non-binding resolutions affirming Roe v. Wade, and creating non-discrimination policies that don’t forbid gays from working in your office (whether you actually ever hire a gay person is entirely up to you.) Attack Bushco and know that as long as Democrats control Congress, America will be safe from the evils of corrupt Republican Congressmen.

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

—–

There’s been a great deal of controversy over John Edwards urging people to use Memorial Day commemorations to oppose the War in Iraq. The allegation is that he’s politicizing Memorial Day.

Well, I say good for him and yes, he may be politicizing Memorial Day, but so what? Republicans and Democrats across the land already hold picnics on Memorial Day. Doesn’t that mean the day is already politicized?

For those who complain about the politicization of things, I would like to welcome you to the 21st Century. Everything is political. Those who speak of the political season are reporters who have to regularly take Metamucil. The political season is a thing of the past. Politics never ends, it only takes an occasional day off. It used to be the whole Holiday Season marked a break from politics, but given the fact that this has become the season for lawsuits against small towns for either celebrating or not celebrating Christmas, you can forget a “season” of peace on Earth.

You have two days off, as I see it: Thanksgiving and Christmas. Even those can become political as happened at my Aunt Bernice’s Thanksgiving a couple years ago when my Republican Cousin Drago decided to argue against my brilliant political points. My Aunt Bernice must have taken his side as I’ve spent the last two Holiday Seasons with fellow political consultants and we invariably spend a lot of time talking about politics. Thus, for some of us, there is no break.

Campaigns run 2-4 years, depending on the office. The Presidential election of 2008 really began sometime after Thanksgiving, 2004 with potential candidates scheduling visits to Iowa to address a little assembly here or there, to “test the waters.” Senate Candidates for 2008 are already out laying the groundwork of their campaigns. We have reached a point in our history where when one election ends, raising money and hiring consultants for the next campaign begins soon afterwards.

Service in the US House is little more than a constant two year campaign to raise more money for the next campaign. Even without campaigns, political debates, rallies, and issues are constantly in people’s faces. In addition, Congress, City Councils, and Legislatures are passing bills of great importance all year along, with elections occurring five to six times a year in some places.

The result is that there is no non-political season. There is only a demand to watch and follow along. There are those who hang on every word and become the prototypical political junkie. There are those who ignore everything and turn off politics, and never vote. Then there are the majority of Americans who are half paying attention for about two weeks before the general election.

These sort are great, because they can only stomach a vote every two to four years. These people leave the election of primary candidates, city councilman, and school boards to those who pay full attention. Because liberals generally care more about schools and insuring proper progressive community values, we elect the people who choose school curriculum, define the cultural values of cities, and raise taxes to pay for schools.

As for the rest of the ill-informed public, leave that to the political consultants. After having complicated politics to the greatest possible degree so that the average person cannot understand everything that’s going on, political consultants can then simplify complex races and issues down to bumper sticker slogans and eight-second sound bytes. Some will ask for the advice of an informed person before voting. Most are far too proud to admit that while they live in the greatest democracy on Earth, they really have no clue what their government is doing, only a sneaking suspicion that it’s not good,.

What we must be wary of this Memorial Day is not the attempts of John Edwards to gain political points, but rather those small government advocates. Those who urge making government smaller, understandable, and easily comprehensible are dangerous. If government becomes more understandable, more people will pay attention. If more people pay attention, who knows what will happen? It could mean less work for political consultants at the very least, and that’s a concept I must oppose.

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

—–

Hello, this is Dave Screwtape welcoming you to the new Screwtape Reports podcast. I’ve gathered from several sources that this is a way to make large amounts of money, and having blown my earnings from the 2006 cycle on what a Christianists would call “riotous living,” I could use the extra cash.

As the end of the BushCo Administration draws near, we as Democrats face a difficult choice. I’m not referring to the choice for our party’s nomination, but rather for the position of Universal Loathed individual (ULI). Reading Congressman Blumenauer’s letter stating that he would not run for Senate due in part to the amount of campaigning that Karl Rove would require of him reminded me, that soon, to paraphrase Richard Nixon, we won’t have Karl Rove to kick around anymore.

Nor will we have Bush or Cheney after January, 2009. While we may loathe and despise them just as much, they’ll no longer be motivating factors, and that is when things get dangerous.

In the past we’ve been able to channel our hatred for ULIs into electoral success. If we hadn’t hated Richard Nixon so much, how would we have achieved such great victory in 1974? Let’s be clear that we can make mistakes with ULIs. Rush Limbaugh failed to do his duty in motivating Democrats during his tenure (1993-95) and we wisely replaced him with Newt Gingrich (1995-99). Our failure to fill this office from 1999-2000 led to our so-called “defeat”.

A good ULI will have several characteristics:

1) Political Power-This was our mistake with Limbaugh. He has a large listening audience, but unfortunately without political power, we are unable to make the American people afraid of him.

2) Human Flaws: This is helpful. We’ve for a long time worked to undermine Bush’s credibility by pointing out his penchant for making verbal gaffes. The American people bought into it and his credibility has declined on other issues as well. We should note this is not the same as making fun of someone because of a physical disability to be cruel. This making fun of someone’s disability in order to score political points, which is entirely different.
3) Courage: A good ULI will have some convictions they will fight for. When they fight you, you paint them as the bad guy in the media. Lacking this ability to fight creates huge problems. I was around during the first Bush Administration when we were trying to make George Bush I the ULI. A man who gives so easily under pressure does not need to be loathed by us, his own party will do it for us.

Now, if Republicans win (the higher power of your choice forbid), we should have easy work. We can attack Giuliani as an arrogant violator of Civil Liberties, McCain as a maniac, and Romney as taking orders from the head of the Mormon Church in Salt Lake City. Please note this is not like the fear of JFK taking orders from the Vatican.

Obviously should another candidate win, we’ll find another method of attack. However, as the media is the true god of the political process (just ask all the Christians who are looking to them to find out which candidates to vote for) I find that improbable.

If, on the other hand, we win the White House, we have a severe problem. There is simply a lack of loathworthy characters n the Republican leadership. John Boehner is the 21st Century’s Bob Michel, an amiable man who will set records for the number of years served as minority leader. In the Senate, there’s a little more hope. Mitch McConnell is someone I could come to loathe, but polls in Kentucky show his seat in jeopardy. Should he be defeated, we’ll likely see Trent Lott as Minority Leader. While Lott makes loathsome statements, his poor strategy makes him far more laughable than loathable.

Thus we could be in a difficult spot. When we have no one to loathe, we actually have to focus on governing. When that happens, often some little known figure we didn’t think to loathe can rise up and become our worst nightmare. Regardless of what happens in November, 2008, we must figure out who will be the next GOP leader and unite in our loathing of them before it’s too late.

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

—–

While I did my best to help Republican Candidates in the last election, I knew we were in trouble. I never realized how right I’d been until I came across an old column I wrote in November, 2005.

I wrote it as an extra Screwtape Report. The Reports were based on the Style of C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters. One piece I wrote in November, 2005 hit hard. Long before the term pre-mortem was termed, in a satirical piece, as my alter ego, Democratic Political Consultant Dave Screwtape, I laid down the Democrats return to power:

From: Dave Screwtape

To: Congressional Democrats, Friendly Media

Subject: Republican Defeat Checklist

To make sure we’re all on the same page about what we want to see Republicans doing in the next few months, I’ve created this handy guide to the components of the Republican defeats in 2006 and 2008.

1) Get leadership drunk on power.

Status: Done

This has been a classic case of absolute power corrupting absolutely. The Republican goal is merely getting re-elected so that they can go back to Washington in January and work to get re-elected. Look at the Republican leadership. We have Senator Frist who plays politics with people’s health and lives on Stem Cell research. We have the ever pompous Dennis Hastert who will go down in history as one of those anonymous Speakers of the House like Frederick Gillette or Joseph Varnum. Of course, adding to this impression is the indictment against former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay.

The current state of the Republican leadership leaves us several opportunities. First, it can help suppress the turnout of the Republican base and it can also make people look critically at their own member of Congress. A key talking point for Democratic challengers will be that their opponents are "out of touch." It is a charge that most voters will readily embrace.

2) Decrease Republican Self-Confidence

Status: Done

Since the 1995 government shutdown, Republicans have been consistent primarily in their refusal to stand up for the things they say believe. It is remarkable the amount of sophistry Republicans go through these days. They have to sell Samuel Alito to Conservatives as someone who will overturn Roe v. Wade while at the same time selling him to the Country as someone who will not.

Indeed, Conservatives are a minority in this country and a quite embarrassed one at that. Of course, their attempts to hide their Conservatism is in fact hurting their cause, because it shows them as weak and ineffectual.

Anyone who says something like, "I hope Alito overturns Roe. It violated the Constitution," will get a horrified look. Honesty is out of vogue. Voters, like dogs, can smell fear. They know Republicans are afraid to be up front about where they stand.

Such is the Republican lack of confidence that many are convinced the only way they can beat Hillary Clinton is to nominate Rudy Giuliani. To compare their level of desperation, it would be the same as if we concluded the only way we could beat Giuliani was to nominate Zell Miller.

There is an old saying, "What you fear shall come upon you." Such will be the case with our opponents in the upcoming elections.

3) Turn the Base Against the Leadership/Each Other

Status: In progress

This takes some work, but "President" Bush helped a little bit with the Miers nomination. Say the word Harriet Miers in a crowded room full of Conservatives and watch the fireworks go off. Those who supported the nominee will insist how wrong the others were and vice versa. Another key issue is congressional spending which angers some conservatives, and others get angry at those who are upset at the leadership.

You have to understand there’s a fundamental divide between Conservatives. There are ideologically driven Conservatives and then there’s another group I like to refer to as sycophants. Their argument is simple: "Bush said so," and to that there can no rebuttal in their minds. They’ve gotten drunk on the power held by a bunch of people who couldn’t care less about them.

Of course, the leadership is embarrassed by much of the Conservative base, particularly the religious conservatives, but also people who speak about the need for smaller government. I’ve quietly observed some of these congressmen at Washington parties and I’ve heard them talk about how intolerant and uncompassionate these people are. Yet, it was these people that brought them to power, a fact they wish to forget, and we should be more than happy to oblige them.

Those of you in the media should encourage them to throw away a bird in the hand for two in the bush. Praise them when they try to get the votes of pro-choicers and gays at the expense of the Christian Conservative, and the Immigration activists at the expense of the anti-immigration crowd. The best possible world is to have them try to win all constituencies at the same time. It will be greatly amusing to see that political gymnastics act in action. Most voters will recognize that they don’t really stand for anything.

4) Encourage the Voters to Blame Themselves for Nothing

Status: To Be Done

This will be easy enough. Voters will complain about a lot of things, but will generally not consider how they personally contribute to the national problems. Election day is the national day of self-righteousness as they stick their noses in the air at politicians. They’ll talk about the ridiculous size of the deficit, "the bridge to nowhere," and the War in Iraq. You must leave them complaining.

Never let them think about government and politics. The reason there’s pork in the budget is because it re-elects politicians. People like the pork in their district and they think its all those other districts that have too much spending. When voters begin to think, start to actually inform themselves of the issues, and understand what’s going on in the country, the results can be unpredictable. We must plant firmly in the heads of voters that they should go out and vote, no matter how uninformed they are about what’s going on in their country.

With that and all the help the Republicans are giving us, I’ll look forward to seeing Nancy Pelosi sworn in as House Speaker in 2007.

Regards,

Dave Screwtape

And so it happened and I saw it on November 20, 2005.  At the time, the reaction from Conservative Internet boards was mixed. Freeper Sofa King wrote:

If he was really trying to show Democratic strategy and thinking he’d stand outside his office throwing feces as passers by.

The Democrats could never manage something as clearly thought out as what he wrote.

Another wrote:

 "Thanks screwup, but I don’t see things your way:
Here’s a few of the insurmountable problems the rats (aka Whigs) face, as they "retake power".

The people of this country recognize that the Whigs are a socialist party. This will not get them election victories in a nation that self ids as conservative by 35% to 18% conservative to liberal.

Sadly, I was right about the grave risks the Republican Party faced and we fell. The only question is whether they’ll wake up before the next election.

—–

To: Democratic Members of Congress, Our Media Allies

Re: Screwtape 2006 #3: Getting Ready to Take Control

It has been a long time since I’ve been this giddy before an election. At last, we shall drive the Republicans from control of both Houses of Congress!

After twelve long years, senior Democrats will enjoy those most melodious words, “Mr. Chairman” or “Madam Chairwoman,” and especially “Madam Speaker.”

We would not have gotten to this point, if it were not for the Republican leadership. Their arrogance and utter inability to effectively address issues such as Social Security Reform, Immigration, and budgeting have created our grand opportunity, combined with recent concerns over the ethics of gay Republican members of Congress.

However, something has to be said for those maniacs who make up the Republican base. In a maneuver tried by third graders across the country, many conservatives are set to punish Republicans by staying home, and thereby return to Democrats control of Congress. The tactic staggers the mind for it’s level of stupidity.

Give credit to those delusional souls who support the Constitution and Libertarian Parties. They have some theoretical shot at winning an election. But those who stay home? They have entered the magical place called the self-destruct zone.

The biggest loser in this zone: the anti-immigration crowd. Many of these daring men of political principle propose to stay home on election day to punish the failure of Republicans to stand tough enough on immigration. By staying home, they’ll help to contribute to the passage of amnesty by a Democratic Congress.

We’ll work together with Mr. Bush to pass amnesty for the simple reason that a path to citizenship will create a continual line of new Democratic voters that year by year will strengthen our party and make us a permanent majority. Our greatest enemy, Mr. Bush, will with a stroke of his pen provide our greatest victory. The fool believes illegal immigration will gain the GOP Hispanic votes. Of course, as most migrants tend to be poor and poor people tend to vote Democrat, this is counterintuitive. If Mr. Rove were worth his salt, he’d focus on increasing the GOP’s support among the Hispanic middle class, which truly cares little about this issue.

The religious right, by staying home, will ensure if there is a Supreme Court vacancy in the next 2-4 years, it will be nigh impossible to nominate another extremist like Roberts and Alito. Bush would have to go with a Souteresque nominee, or we’ll keep the seat vacant until a Democratic President is in office.

It is of course, theoretically possible for these elements in the Republican Party to address their concerns in a non-destructive way by strongly supporting primary challengers to offending members in the next election. However, we are incredibly fortunate that most of them are too dim-witted to realize this.

Still, we must remain focused until the last vote is cast. Our job is to depress turnout among the Conservative base. You in the media need to use special care to put disgruntled Republicans and Conservatives on television constantly. Please take no care for how genuine their credentials are. Create enough perception that Conservatives should stay home, and it will become reality.

With the help of our unwitting Conservative allies, we will be victorious this November.

Regards,

Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

Unfortunately, the grand scale of their wisdom is misunderstood and attacked by the venomous right. Shall these gods descend to fight with the common peasant rabble of the right wing blogosphere? To have a battle of wits with some 200 hit a day amateur! It would be beneath them, the great lords of the Bloposphere, and give credibility to their opponents.

So, what is a god to do? Well, he can go under pseudonyms. Michael Hiltzik of the LA Times did this and lost his blog. Alas, the poor devil, expelled from the heights of Olympus. Now, Glen Greenwald has come under allegations of using pseudonyms due to the accursed IP address. However, I believe Mr. Greenwald when he says that three members of his household have defended them under their own names. Greenwald lives with five other men in Brazil with English names who are impressed with the fact that he’s had a book on the New York Times best-seller’s list.

Unfortunately, some right wingers won’t believe this. Some on the left will even doubt it. Family and friends are poor defenders, as they take things too personally. What you need is a professional.

That’s where Screwtape Consulting comes in to offer a fantastic new service to liberals everywhere. Columnist, Politicians, and Celebrities all will utilize this fantastic service. Its called “Defenders of Progress.”

For only $49.95 a month, you can have 24 hour a day monitoring of blog search services such as Technorati and Google Blog Search. We’ll let you know who’s been naughty or nice to you. Even the best liberal bloggers miss some of the adulation they receive from their adoring throngs. It will be delivered to you daily by our site representative, Louie.

Louie also will defend you for a small additional fee. Whenever there’s a negative post sent in, Louie will offer to defend you for a price of $10 per comment. Louie will memorize all of your great accomplishments. He respects all of our clients.

Here’s how he would begin a letter to Mr. Greenwald:

O great one who has authored a book that’s appeared on the New York Times best-seller’s list and whose blog receives more hits than Glenn Reynolds, who has risen from obscurity to the stars in a mere 9 months unto whom all mortal men look for wisdom and hope, I do deliver my report.

He’ll translate this onto the blog comments fairly easily with the sycophantic nature barely hidden, for it shows great respect. He’ll then challenge your opponents with such logical arguments as:

I don’t see your freakin’ New York Times best-seller!

Of course, Louie offers additional services for premiums of between $5 and $20. These are offered on every attack post. If a blog is getting 20 hits a day, it may not be worthwhile to spend $10 per comment for Louie to get into a protracted battle, but you may want to insert some more personal language, depending on the level that they’ve insulted you. Louie weighs the level at which you’ve been attacked in offering $5, $10, $20 insults and offers retaliatory options:

$5

“You want I should I threaten his dog?”

$10

“You want I should insult the virtue of his mother?”

$20

“You want I should threaten his two year-old?

Louie and his fellow workers will defend anyone, blogger or not. Consider, Louie’s valiant defense of Brittany Spears:

The American dream is about Brittany Spears. A woman born in Louisiana or Mississippi, or somewhere down south becomes an American Icon who is fabulously rich and well-known the whole world over. She’s gotten a Grammy nomination. You claim to be a responsible mother? Where’s your Grammy nomination?

Brittany has written four books and none of them is a lulu.com book on good parenting. Brittany’s a great mom. Do you think her kids are going to complain about a boring life? No way, she’s the coolest and don’t you dare attack her.

If you want this type of defense, call today. Operators are standing by. Limited openings are available. Get the defense you deserve!

—–

Senator, I was appreciative when your office contacted me with an offer to work for your campaign. It truly shows the Senator’s gracious wisdom in seeking advice from outside the GOP. Unfortunately, I am but a poor consultant, a mere servant of the Democratic Party and its causes, not a man of brave principle such as you.

Still, I’ll give you a brief assessment of how you’re doing and how you can do any better, if the Senator will graciously consider my advice to be as much importance as the advice of the media. So, listen from the advice of a heartfelt admirer.

First of all, I think you do an amazing job by elevating every proposal to reform. On immigration, you never attack someone for opposing a guest worker program or one that would create difficult enforcement provisions, but rather they’re enemies of reform. This does well, as you can avoid the specifics of the bill and talk about it being positive because its “reform.” For everyone knows that we need reform and it’s a good thing. Those who oppose reform are the enemies of our nation. It is splendid.

What you need to do is to just be yourself. Say whatever comes to your mind, for your wisdom is like an oracle, as if it were spoken by Solomon. Remember that to be stronger, sometimes you have to amputate unnecessary parts.

You are greater than the religious right and anti-immigration crowd. Republicans need you! You’re right and they’re wrong. They can either accept it or they can get out of the Republican Party. Its your party and you’ll open the borders if you want to!

You must surround yourself with people who speak to you in that respectful tone that I speak. You need people who will build you up, not challenge you. They need to be men and women of wild eyed passion, who know (just as surely as you know) that they stand in the presence of a legend.

Don’t take advice from those who believe your war service doesn’t merit special consideration on today’s politics. You know, Senator, that your war service has endowed you with insight that the draft dodging, National Guard-serving plebeians in your party can never understand and never let them forget it for one moment.

Just remember always that you are the paragon and epitome of moral virtue and all that is good in this country, and never let anyone else forget it either. As they say, if you have it flaunt it.

Do this and I give you my 100% guarantee as one honest man to the greatest living Senator of our age, that the election will come out in the best way possible.

Most Humble Regards
Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking. The first set of Screwtape Reports written from 2003-2004 are available in book form from Lulu Press.

—–

To: Congressional Democratic Candidates, Democratic Governors, DNC Volunteers

Subject: Screwtape 2006 #1: Democratic Outlook

The future is bright today as we prepare for the November election, which is now less than six months away. Republicans remain divided between those who stand for what they believe and those who stand for what the White House tells them to believe.

It is such a wonderful state of disarray, we’re primed to take over if we take the right approach. Now, there are two wrong approaches.

The first is to base our campaign on impeaching George Bush. As pleasing as that would be, one has to remember that impeachment is a hard process. There have been many unpopular Presidents, but only two have been impeached. In addition, the American people have good reason not to want this President out of office. You see, Oprah is very popular with a lot of Democrats and impeachment hearings could pre-empt Oprah in many markets for several days. This is something for which the American people cannot stand, and why there will never be another impeachment so long as Ms. Winfrey remains on the air.

The second idea is to come up with a comprehensive agenda for the American people. This idea fails muster because if you propose a plan with a lot of little details, it takes Republicans off the defensive and puts them on the offensive of attacking our plans, as happened in 1994. In addition, we are splintered on the specifics of what to actually do about these problems. For this cycle, our goal is to convince the American people that we are aware of what problems exist.

Chairman Dean has steered a middle course. He has come up with six simple items which sounds like an agenda without any real content. At the end of April, we distributed 750,000 of these in homes across the country. If no one was home, we left it on the door.

Now, doubtless, you volunteers may encounter a challenge in getting people to join up with a cause, where it’s unknown what exactly it is. Don’t despair, for each item I’ve prepared a simple answer that will earn you support:

Item: Honest Leadership & Open Government

Answer: We will achieve this goal because we are better than the Republicans. We are ethical, moral, and incorruptible. We are the servants of the people, not lobbyists. We’re also more humble, and not as sanctimonious and self-righteous as those hypocritical Republicans.

Item: Real Security

Answer: We will catch bin Laden by spending more money to catch bin Laden. We’ll also be more secure because in the world, Democrats are like Ray Romano, everyone loves us.

Item: Energy Independence

Answer: We’ll develop ethanol and other unnamed alternate energy sources.

Item: A Health Care system that works for all Americans.

Answer: We’ll present a plan for health care that will make sure all Americans have adequate coverage.

Item: Economic Prosperity and Educational Excellence

Answer: We’ll reduce the deficit, not by raising taxes, as Republicans allege, but by repealing tax cuts. We’ll guarantee strong educational results by paying teachers more and spending more on public education.

Item: Retirement Security

Answer: We’ll make sure that your children and grandchildren enjoy the same fine standard of living that current social security beneficiaries do.

The brilliance of Chairman Dean’s plan and my responses is that we’ve promised next to nothing specifically, while laying out an attractive agenda that most everyone will agree with. Our plan is to get elected and figure out how and if we can actually do what we’ve promised after we win. It worked very well for our former President (who we should remind voters was better than this President.) The job of those of you who are candidates is to be as vague as possible and let the Republicans implode.

Regards,
Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking. The first set of Screwtape Reports written from 2003-2004 are available in book form from Lulu Press

Linked to Conservative Cat, Mark My Words, Third World County, Jo’s Cafe, Basil’s Blog, Right Wing Nation, Committes of Correspondence, Blue Star Chronicles

—–

The Screwtape Reports

By Adam Graham

Colbert is basically a long Saturday Night Live sketch. He’s parodying Republicans. He’s building up straw men and knocking them down for the entertainment of the liberal masses. Its his routine, his schtick if you will. No one believes Colbert’s a Republican. They know he’s merely mocking them. The Democratic reaction to Colbert has been one of enthusiasm. “Boy, he really spoke truth to power. Risking-um-um-something to do it.” When I write Screwtape, I’d often get some true anger from people who read it and thought it was true. When I wrote, “Taking Jesus Back from the Republicans” Freepers were furious, one writing:

The person who wrote that was a lying scum,,,,he will burn in hell.

If it were as shallow as Colbert’s parody, it would have just gotten a chuckle. Screwtape provides insight and depth, not just cheap laughs at Democrat’s expense. So, no Colbert is not the Democratic Dave Screwtape or Screwtape the Republican Colbert. They’re entirely different creatures.

—–

Friends,

You know me as a political consultant, writer and guru, but with the help of our beneficient friend, George Soros, I’ve produced my first ever theological work. Its a modest effort, but a good starting place in a new field: a brand new English version of the Bible.

Now, I know as much about translating Greek and Hebrew as Mike Brown does about running FEMA, so I’ve taken the text of the King James Version of the Bible to form my version because of the beauty and elegance of the language, and because it is the most easily accessible version for which I do not have to pay obscene royalties for.

What makes the Liberal Authorized Version different from any other version of the Bible out there? Most try a word for word or approximate translation of the whole Text. We take the philosophy that less is more.

Accordingly, all the geneologies are gone, along with the Pauline Epistles and the Epistles of James, John, and Jude. My reason for this is clear. None of these men obtained doctorates in their field or taught on the subject. Were he around today, Paul might be able to get into teaching one of those Mail Order Bible Colleges, but would Harvard accept him? No, and that’s certain now that Lawerence Summers is gone.

We also eliminated Hebrews (for fear of Zionist influences), and 1 and 2 Peter. I had great concern about these books. As Peter was listed as the 1st pope, I was afraid the Vatican had undo influence on their writing. I also got rid of the book of Revelations. There’s no need for apocalypse or the reign of God on Earth. The Democratic Party will fix things just fine.

I got rid of the book of Acts, because it reads like a Religious Right Wing Propoganda piece. I refuse to believe there were any stonings or arrests. We know that all that persecution stuff is just made up by intolerant bigots.

I also got rid of the Old Testament as it was far too bloody and also contains things like the creation story and the Ten Commandments.

While, the Jesus seminar got rid of 75% of the sayings of Christ and most of his miracles, I’ve gone further than that and eliminated all the miracles of Christ, and 98% of his sayings, leaving a selection of 4 verses that:

1) You can use against Conservatives.

2) You can easily memorize.

3) They’re already tailor made for the appropriate argument.

Most Bibles claim to make it easy to put their words into context, well I make no such claim. Every Liberal Authorized Version of the Bible is 100% context free guaranteed. Below are the scriptures in this beautiful 1,500 page leather bound volume:

Judge not, that ye be not judged. -Matt. 7:1

He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone.-John 8:7b

Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s;-Matthew 22:21b

Blessed are the peacemakers-Matthew 5:9a

Yes, in 3 cases, we used only half a verse, but half a verse is all you need to score against Conservatives. Never, will you read anywhere in the Liberal Version, any call to “Repent and Sin No More,” or about Government being a terror to evildoers, or judging righteous judgments. You have a 100% clear slam dunk Bible.

Now, at this point you may wonder why you should spend $15 on my Leather Bound Bible and what the other 1496 pages in the Bible are for.

Well, as any idiot could print up the Liberal Bible based on these scriptures, it becomes necessary to have something special. Now, many Bibles have study aids and maps, but mine has an even better feature. 1496 blank pages.

The idea of printing up a 1 page Bible or a 4 page Bible (with extremely large print) seemed silly, so we printed the full enchilada, leaving most of the pages completely blank.

You can do what you want in the blank pages. You can scrapbook, press flowers, or journal. You can add in things, you think God should have put in the Bible.

We also do have a customization feature, where we’ll print up your Bible to include important liberal documents, such as content from MoveOn.org. We also have a Chairman Dean Special, where we include the book of Job with other New Testament books.

For those of you out there, who truly have no desire to understand Christianity and no respect for it, but want to sound intelligent, this is the Bible for you. If you want to look like a good Christian when visiting churches, whether you are or not, this is the Bible for you. If you hate religion, but would like a Bible to be sworn in on, this is the Bible for you.

Its the Bible every liberal has always wanted. Place your order today.

Linked to Conservative Cat and Point Five

Bible, Satire, Liberals

—–

—–

So, hopefully early next month, you’ll be able to buy a copy of “The Screwtape Reports”, so watch this space for more info.

—–

From: Dave Screwtape

To: Democratic Members of Congress, Liberal Clergy, Opinion Leaders, and Activists

Subject; The Right Picture of Jesus

As I returned from an extended vacation, I was deluged with letters asking how we mitigate the Republican advantage with Christian voters. I think the solution is simple. As other Democrats have said, “We must take God back from the Republicans.” There is only one way to do that, and it is through Jesus Christ.

Christian Conservatives rarely talk about Christ in their public speeches, they talk about “God” or providence or “The Lord.” The reason for that they wish to be inclusive of all Americans who have any belief in God. That, and the fact that if they even end a prayer “in the name of Jesus” our allies in the press will go ballistic.

What we must do is borrow that phrase from the tacky bracelet, “What Would Jesus Do?” and use it to death. By saying, Jesus would do something often enough, you’ll convince enough Christians of the fact. Here are some examples.

“Jesus wouldn’t launch a war for oil against the Iraqi people. Jesus wouldn’t have appointed Alberto Gonzalez Attorney General. Jesus would spend more government money on the poor. Jesus would want everyone to have free health care. Jesus wouldn’t back a Constitutional Amendment banning Flag Burning.”

Now, we can do this with a variety of issues, but we all have to paint a good picture of Jesus. Jesus was a tolerant, loving, nice guy who cared about poor people. With that understanding, we can make any arguments we want that fits that picture and Christians will listen.

Thus, we can shift Christian concern away from issues like abortion and gay marriage to issues such as reducing poverty through government programs and more money for schools, because that is what Jesus would want.

There are several things must be avoided, particularly by the clergy. The most important thing is to not actually paint a full picture of the life of Jesus in your sermons and liturgies. Use scriptures that emphasize those statements most favorable to our vision of Christ or avoid using scripture altogether. Study books about the historical Jesus written by liberal scholars, not the Bible itself.

The Bible paints a very different picture of Jesus. The Jesus of the Bible is complex, unpredictable, and surprising. In dealing with the issues of his day, he was not a liberal or a conservative, nor did he just try and straddle the fence. He said what he believed and inflamed both the right wing Pharisees and the left wing Sadducees. He talked of forgiveness and mercy, but his first word as a preacher was “Repent.”

In a beautiful scene he saved the woman caught in the act of adultery and then made a very harsh intolerant demand on her by saying, “Go and sin no more.” The Bible also has Christ saying He is the only way to Heaven, which would put New Jerusalem in violation of Federal Civil Rights laws for religious discrimination in a public accommodation. For these reasons, keep as far from the Biblical account of Christ’s life as possible. Remember two quotes of Christ from scripture and that will suffice. “Judge Not” and “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” Be certain not to quote these in context.

The other thing to be careful of is that you properly assign the commands of scripture. Moral commandments against no-fault divorce, or the ten commandments are strictly for Christian religious people who believe in them. Commands to take care of the poor are not for the church, but rather for Federal Welfare agencies and their bureaucrats. The original biblical context of the command doesn’t matter, whether it was spoke to Christians or to civil society, they must be assigned in such an order as to suit our agenda.

If we can convince the great mass of Christians to adopt our vision of Christ as a first century touchy feely hippy who came to be tolerant and create welfare programs than I think we’ll have this culture war won. The Evangelism and the teaching of the exclusivity of Christ will decline. In many mainline churches where this vision has been adopted, people have become increasingly tolerant of other views and lifestyles, and less attached to their own Christianity and even some of its major tenets like the resurrection.

Christ as a historical figure becomes less believable when stripped of all complexity and depth. The crucifixion becomes hard to swallow as we try and imagine a sugary nice guy being dragged to the cross. After that, Christ becomes just another moral philosopher along with Confucius, Buddha, and others. What Christians have traditionally considered “the Good News” becomes meaningless and empty.

The good news for such disoriented souls is that there is hope! There’s something that can bringing meaning to their lives and change to society. Chairman Dean and I would be more than happy to welcome you as committed volunteers for the Democratic Party.

Regards,
Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Reports

By Adam Graham

To: Democratic Senators, Congressmen, Governors, and Report Subscribers

Subject: Election Analysis

Having recovered from three days of alcohol-induced incoherence, I can now analyze this election and our future prospects with a clear head.

First of all, on the bright side we…won the Governorship of Montana and what else? We got a lesbian elected in Idaho. So, those Red States will turn blue in about a generation.

Alright, I’m sorry. There is no bright side. Yes, Barack Obama and Ken Salazar are going to the US Senate, but while its great to have minorities in the Senate, it is awful to be the Senate minority.

How could the American people be so stupid? I mean sure they’ve made some questionable judgments that have caused us to doubt their intellect (or rather their capacity for following the commands of the intellectuals) such as making “Dumb and Dumber” a box office hit. However, this is far worse.

The people are not listening to us. We’ve spent three years tearing down George W. Bush. We’ve attacked his character in everything he does. We made an issue of the fact that he may not have shown up to work 30 years ago. We nitpicked every detail of his life and in the end, he wins? The only thing we could have done differently is ran a five second ad repeatedly saying, “Mary Cheney is a Lesbian. I’m John Kerry and I approve this message.”

Ohio lost more jobs than anywhere in the country and they voted to re-elect this yahoo. And what about Alaska? We couldn’t even beat Lisa Murkowski (i.e. Daddy Governor’s little girl). Our “Rock the Vote” campaign was an abysmal failure compared to the large number of Evangelicals that showed up at the polls, thanks to the regrettable end of the Left Behind series in March.

I’d move to Canada except for the fact that’s what the opposition wants. Some of you have told me how you told your Republican relatives of your plans to relocate and their response was, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” It’s a threat that does no good because the opposition mainly wants you to leave them alone.

Why did we lose this election? This calls for some moments of personal reflection as I hash this out in my mind.

Maybe, it was because we didn’t have a candidate who could make the people believe he cared about something other than getting elected. The Great ones do that. Clinton convinced people he cared about Health Care. Reagan ran talking about defeating the Soviet Union and cutting taxes FOR THE RICH!

It’s possible that we became too negative, too crazy. It was as if Oliver Stone were producing our Campaign, with Michael Moore as the director. Maybe, Bush built too strong of a bond with the American people after 9/11 and we underestimated it.

We made Americans feel like we were aliens with some weird values, we may have pushed too hard, too fast on gay marriage and not been strong enough on national security.

Oh, forget this introspection stuff. I’m going to start sounding like Zell Miller if I’m not careful. We may have been too negative, but there has to have been a right wing Conspiracy, televangelists getting out the Bubba vote, and religion as the opiate of the masses got them to vote against their economic best interests.

That feels better, much better than what I was saying before. That would indicate that in order to win, we’d have to change, and we’re not going to stop hating Bush, because he’s evil and within 4 years, they’ll change their minds.

The good news for 2008 is that Republicans have seen our campaign based on only hate and fear and are preparing their own. Senator Clinton is our most likely standard bearer and they’re desperate to beat her. So desperate that after winning all the right-wing religious votes, they’re talking about nominating a twice-divorced pro-choice, pro-civil union Republican. They do have a plan to keep conservatives on board, though.

They’ll write books about how bad Hillary Clinton is and what a danger Hillary Clinton is to America. Here’s a thought! Maybe they could do a documentary on her danger to our country that would be a box office smash. Surely, their efforts will be as successful as our efforts were against Bush. Those who don’t learn from history are thankfully, doomed to repeat it.

Of course, if they nominate Giuliani, and we for some reason nominated John Edwards, this would create an interesting situation, given that America is moving West and South, and away from New York. We could see a Red/Blue reversal. Regardless, the idiot Republicans still don’t know how to handle and maintain power. So we shall certainly meet under more favorable circumstances come 2008.

I will be signing off for several months. I plan to be as far away from Washington as possible when that man is sworn into office. I’ll rest on the beach for a few weeks on my consulting earnings, hold some conferences, write a book, and be back sometime later next year.

Regards,
Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Reports

By Adam Graham

If you liked what you read, there’s more in “The Screwtape Reports” now available from Lulu press.

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From: Dave Screwtape

Subject: Your Fraud Matters

With a little more than a week until election day, you may think that your fraudulent activities will make no difference in this election. After all Massachusetts has no Senate Race and those in California, Illinois, and New York are well in hand. Why bother risking criminal prosecution in order to cast fraudulent votes that will not matter towards the final outcome.

This is a good question. While for our immediate goals, I’ll concede that fraudulent activity in places such as Florida and Ohio will have a greater impact. I’ve been amazed by the courageous brazenness of the fraud in Ohio. Having counties in which more people are registered to vote than are believed to be eligible, and filing a lawsuit to force the state to open the door to fraud by allowing a person to vote at the wrong precinct (I knew one gentleman who would have voted 19 different times at different precincts if not for the activist judge that overturned the lower court’s ruling) shows a fearless audacity I respect.

I’ve been disturbed by the attempt of some to use Marijuana to procure fraudulent voter registrations. Even if you’re not caught registering phony voters, the Marijuana possession could have dire consequences. I recommend beer and cigarettes as payment in these cases. Also, to minimize costs, don’t be picky about the brands. Watered-down beer and cheap cigarettes work as well as a fine imports and expensive cigars.

But, I digress. Even though fraud in your states is unlikely to sway the vote, it could have a great consequence if Bush were to somehow win this election and Kerry won the popular vote. In 1888, Benjamin Harrison won the Presidency while losing the popular vote. It took 112 years for Bush to do it again. Americans are conservative as they are loathe to change institutions that are working just fine. If the popular and electoral votes disagreed for 2 straight elections, there would then be a more serious move to get rid of the electoral college.

The abolition of the electoral college would be a boon for those of you in urban areas. In many areas of our cities, 10-30% of the people even bother to vote. However, with some additional enticements and fraud on your part, you could move that number up to greatly affect how much influence you have. If, once we have rid America of the electoral college, we set up a National Primary system, can you imagine the influence you’d wield?

No presidential candidate would be seen in rural hick towns in places like Iowa and Missouri. The campaign would be conducted in sky-rises of the largest cities. You, the local Democratic officials would be the kingmakers, able to build up or destroy a presidency with a single word. Imagine what this would mean for the cause of the environment or gun control. New York and California have more potential votes than the entire Rocky Mountain West. We could do what we like with these backward states and they would have no recourse against us.

If you’re tired of Presidents groveling before farmers, and televangelists, now is your chance to rise up to become the most powerful people in our nation by committing voter fraud on such a scale as it has never been before seen in American history.

What about the risk of prosecution? What about the threat of exposure and scandal? Fear not. The Republicans have no spine on this issue.

In 1996, a large tide of non-voters helped Loretta Sanchez defeat right wing Congressman Bob Dornan and in that same year, Mary Landrieu defeated Woody Jenkins by 5,000 votes. In both cases, each man came forward with credible evidence of fraud. The Senate dismissed Jenkins case in short order. The Dornan matter remained pending before Congress for some time, but in the end the Republicans decided to certify that Sanchez won the race, albeit by a smaller number. Like Solomon, the Republicans decided to cut the baby in half, but Dornan was just as much out of Congress as if they had done nothing. They didn’t want to appear ungracious, divisive, or racist, so in both cases, they preferred to be good losers rather than looking into the issues fully.

In 2000, there were allegations of irregularities in the defeat of Senator John Ashcroft (R-Mo.) and the Republicans decided not to pursue them because they didn’t want to be poor sports. In the State of Wisconsin, there were allegations of voter fraud and vote buying (with cigarettes and beer NOT marijuana) and the Republicans chose not to contest the election because the votes didn’t matter for the final outcome.

Finally, in 2002, Rep. John Thune (R-SD) lost his Senate race because of voting irregularities on the Indian reservations. Thune decided to accept defeat so he could enter his current race against Senator Tom Daschle (D-SD) rather than challenge the fraud and hurt his political chances in the current race.

The point of all this is that Republicans will allow us to get away with voter fraud because they don’t want to be seen as sore losers. This is why Republicans in the long run are not suited to be a Majority party. I remember in 1984 when Indiana certified a Republican had won a Congressional seat and we held hearings, the end result of which was that we declared Rep. Frank X. McCloskey (D) re-elected by 4 votes. We didn’t care what Republicans or the media thought of us, we got our guy seated.

The Republican leadership has sent a very clear message to its grassroots over the years: We’d rather be seen as nice than win. As a consultant, it’ll be a cold day in hell before I let one of my candidates allow Republican voter fraud deny us an election victory. First of all, voter fraud is our job. Secondly, if I were to do that, what message would I be sending to all the campaign volunteers who worked so hard? “Sorry, we’ll let the Republicans rob you of well-earned victories.” I’d be telling voters for my candidate that they might as well not have bothered showing up because their candidate and their party doesn’t have the will to fight to guarantee their right to vote. Republicans may call us sore losers, but don’t they can’t call us fools and cowards when it comes to fighting elections. We’d rather be poor winners than good losers and that’s why we will be the majority party again.

For the most effective voter fraud, cast fraudulent votes in minority precincts. Republicans are more afraid of being called racist than anything else. We’ve sent a clear message to the Republicans in years past: we have the race card and we’re not afraid to use it.

As always, the watchword is “don’t get caught”. Hopefully, we can all have a celebration at my place with some good beer sometime after the election.

Regards,
Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

The Screwtape Reports

By Adam Graham

If you liked what you read, there’s more in “The Screwtape Reports” now available from Lulu press.

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To: The Kerry Campaign, National Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee, National Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee

Subject: Understanding the American Voter

As our candidates prepare for the last two weeks of the campaign, it must be asked, “What is the most important thing to remember in framing our campaign?”

I believe it is simple enough, the average American voter is an idiot. I’m not exaggerating. Take the recent Presidential debates, particularly the foreign policy debate. Even with the level of explanation provided by Jim Lehrer, did most voters know what either candidate was talking about when they debated the Sudan or North Korea?

The answer’s no. Then how did people make their decision? People came into the debate trying to figure out either which candidate sounded smarter or which candidate sounded tough, or who had good body language. Thus, while those of us who know what’s going on in politics know a candidate’s totally lying, your average voter is sitting there going, “Wow, look at that body language!” , “He really sounds like he knows what he’s talking about.”, or “Boy, he sounds real tough!”.

The American people make the judgment over whether someone should be entrusted with the fate of the world, based on body language. I can imagine some hick in Florida commenting as a Republican launches a nuclear first strike, “Well, he sure SOUNDED smart during the debates…”

Second, some people actually make their decisions based on what the newspaper tells them. This works to our advantage in most cases. The newspapers merely state their endorsements in a way that indicates that they’re making an objective judgment such as “Barack Obama is the best candidate for the US Senate.” The unreasoning votes accordingly, never asking themselves, “By what standards is he the best candidate? What issues does this paper use to make their endorsements?” Unfortunately, thanks to the Internet, these saps are an endangered species.

If asked to identify themselves as “pro-life” or “Pro-Choice” many Americans seem to be making random declarations. Polls show that anywhere from 40 to 60% of Americans identify themselves as pro-choice which means at least 20% of Americans are actually “multiple-choice”.

People have no clue what’s going on. They don’t know what the major parties stand for and they don’t know what the candidates stand for. Instead of learning party platforms, they learn slogans such as “The Republicans are racists,” “The Democrats are the party of the working man”, and “The Republicans are the party of the rich.” Republicans go on TV to try and refute these points, but luckily for us, most Americans are watching Baywatch reruns instead.

Also, consider the sorry state of affairs given the fact that yard signs and billboards work. We Consultants are very picky about the way our signs look because successful campaigns have great yard signs. People go into the voting booth and vote based on the color scheme of yard signs as well as the number of yard signs in their area.
We, as Democrats have played well to the stupidity of the American people. That’s why celebrities play such a prominent role in our campaigns, because we enjoy a huge advantage over the Republicans in terms of the star power of our celebrities. Throw partisanship aside, who’d you rather see Robin Williams and Bruce Springteen or Ben Stein and Charlie Daniels? When they see a big actor make an endorsement, they’re moved beyond logic or their own beliefs to back that candidate. They never think once, “This guy just says lines that other people wrote and has no training to talk about matters of war and peace.” They think, “Wow, wasn’t he in a war movie once?” or “He played a doctor on ER, he knows about health care..”

We also have Rock the Vote, which tells kids it’s cool to vote, doesn’t really give them objective information, but does get them to register to vote and cast a completely uninformed ballot based on the bias of MTV’s producers which obviously suits our needs.

Republicans have joined in insulting voters’ intelligence recently. Arnold Schwarzenegger addressing the convention showed that. The GOP tries to get the people to love their celebrities, but with much less effect. Who cares if Stephen Baldwin’s for Bush? Same thing, for Ron Silver. I liked him on the West Wing, but he amounts to little more than a character actor.

The GOP still has made some strides this election. The latest example being their assault on John Kerry as “not a good man” for mentioning the well-known fact that Mary Cheney is a lesbian. The Bush camp is playing on the American people’s feeling that it’s wrong to mention family, even if the life of your family shows you to be hypocrite. Thus, George W. Bush is a hypocrite for opposing gay marriage because his Vice-President’s daughter is gay and you must hate gays in order to oppose gay marriage (unless you oppose gay marriage only in the abstract but will do nothing to stop it in actuality in which case you can be both a supporter of gay rights and an opponent of same sex marriage).

There are several key ways to exploit stupidity:

1) If you have any famous endorsers, showcase them. Have them give a speech and do not stop them no matter how much they ramble because the people will eat it up.

2) Get outraged about something your opponent said. Rarely do people stop and say, “It’s no big deal.” If you’re outraged, the whole world is outraged with you.

3) If your opponent supported the Iraq war, ask him to personally take responsibility for every casualty in Iraq. If he replies that the deaths are the responsibility of the terrorists, declare what a bad person he is for refusing to take responsibility. If he does take responsibility, congratulate him and then attack him for causing the deaths of 1,000 US soldiers in your next TV ad.

4) Send out anonymous phone messages telling people your opponent is awful. Stop short only of slander in using a phone tree machine. You will not believe how many people have unquestioned belief in those who call them on the phone. Telemarketing scams are very prevalent as many people will give out their Social Security number, credit card, and bank account because someone called them on the phone and asked.

5) Find people who claim to be Republicans to endorse you. They can be obscure people. They can be relatives, but one of the most best ads you can run is an ad where people declare they are Republicans but are voting for you because you’re pro-choice. What’s great about this is that many states have no party registration, so anyone can claim to be a Republican.

6) If you’re running in an area where Bush is popular, don’t put a donkey on your signs or literature. In addition, embrace some of the President’s ideas (if you weren’t able to embrace the President himself as Tom Daschle did) in your literature. Your job is to make people look past the fact that you’re not a Conservative. Agree with Bush on 1 or 2 issues in your literature and the media will at the least be able to identify you as a moderate.

Follow these easy steps and you’ll fool the American people. Not that that’s particularly hard, but it must be done if you want to get elected.

Regards,

Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

The Screwtape Reports

By Adam Graham

If you liked what you read, there’s more in “The Screwtape Reports” now available from Lulu press.

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From: Dave Screwtape
To: DNC, Democratic Senators and Congressmen, Our Media Allies

Subject: The Republican Identity Crisis

Since Friday’s debate, I’ve received several e-mails asking the question, “What if Kerry loses?”

First of all, we still have one more debate to go, so don’t panic. Second, if Bush did win the debate (which is debatable), he won it narrowly.

When Bush got into domestic issues, he got into trouble because of his own inconsistency on the core values of his party. First of all, one astute audience member asked Bush why he didn’t veto a single spending bill. Bush replied, “You’re right, I haven’t vetoed any spending bills, because we work together.”

Now, first of all, this shows forth the incredible hypocrisy of Bush and the Republicans. They lectured us about our 40 years of congressional control and all the deficits we ran up. According to the Bush, the reason he hasn’t stopped the deficit from going up is because he and the Republicans in Congress are working as a team to increase the deficit.

How does that make the truly fiscally conservative feel? On that question, we picked up a lot of naïve fiscal conservatives who actually believe John Kerry will balance the budget by raising taxes. Bush also scared some others away from voting entirely because they’re smart enough to know that neither candidate will actually balance the budget.

On Stem Cell research, Bush made a political decision to allow federal funds to be used on existing lines which were created by destroying so-called “human life” but as for the rest, he said no, because it was unethical to destroy so-called “human life” in the name of scientific research. It doesn’t make any sense from the standpoint of principle.

Senator Kerry pounced on this: “Well, you talk about walking a waffle line — he says he’s allowed it, which means he’s going to allow the destruction of life up to a certain amount and then he isn’t going to allow it. I don’t know how you draw that line.”

This muddled thinking will doubtlessly discourage some anti-abortionists from voting. Many are of the opinion that if you’re going to destroy innocent life, at least be consistent about it. I can’t say that they’re among the brightest stars in the political sky, because what they’ll get under a Kerry presidency is full-fledged unrestricted stem cell research, but if that’s what gets them angry enough to punish President Bush then good for them.

However, both these cases reveal the problem with the Bush leadership and the inconsistency of the Republican Party. The party is reverting to its 1960s and ‘70s model. Those of you too young to remember may not know this, but the GOP has not always been full of people like Tom Delay.

The tradition of GOP thought on domestic issues is dead in its current governance. The deficit is not the result of September 11th. A bunch of Republican neophytes came to Washington in 1994 pledging to abolish all these cabinet departments and balance the budget. They got the budget balanced and found a huge surplus and a Democratic White House unwilling to use it for a huge tax cut, so the hypocrites spent like drunken sailors and lived like there was no tomorrow. They forgot that the law of gravity is applicable to economics and stood in shock when with a small downturn in the economy they didn’t have the money for all the projects they funded in the good times, so they just ran up the deficit. They’ve learned how powerful and addictive federal funding is and they can’t help themselves.

What about social issues? Well, other than the stem cell research issue, Bush has held to the conservative line on many issues. However, 2008 is coming and things will change as well. The frontrunner for the Republicans is Rudy Giuliani who is so pro-choice he opposed banning “partial birth abortion” and is also pro-gay rights. Oh I’m longing for 2008 because it will mark the disintegration of the Republican Party regardless of who wins this election. I’ll be in Iowa and New Hampshire watching it with glee and satisfaction as the Republicans split themselves in two over social issues.

The most ironic thing is that most of those backing Giuliani will be anti-abortion. They believe that nominating him will help them win and defeat their all-powerful bogeywoman Hillary Clinton, but they’ll fail to realize that they’re destroying their party.

In the 1980s, the GOP got the evangelicals and the Archie Bunker crowd off their rear ends and to the polls because they talked about things like ending abortion and balancing the budget.

The GOP does have a plan to keep Conservatives no matter what. President Bush declared a war on terror, which is more interminable than the Cold War and Republican pundits act like they’ve been in foreign service all their life and warn that things are too dangerous to allow a Democrat in office.

Of course, if the GOP thinks this will work, they’re sadly mistaken. Remember, the Republicans were tougher than the Democrats throughout the cold war and that still didn’t get the vote of the Evangelicals and the Conservatives who became active under Reagan.

Recently, I wrote about hate and fear being the greatest motivators of political life. This is true for us and most people, but many Conservatives are odd. They want to be inspired. When that old fool Reagan talked about a shining city on the hill they not only believed him, they wanted to build it.

The Post-Bush plans for this party is to get Conservatives to back whatever person they nominate no matter how abhorrent they are to the conscience of their members. It won’t work. The GOP establishment is preparing to cross the Rubicon and will lose it all. On election night, 2008, regardless of anything else we’ll be the ones having a grand party.

We’re still winning in the long-term because the GOP is disintegrating as we speak. We’re still defining the issues, while they concede more ground to us. Today they stand with President Bush, but the day of separation is upon them.

Best Personal Regards,
Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking. You can subscribe to the reports by clicking here.

The Screwtape Reports

By Adam Graham

If you liked what you read, there’s more in “The Screwtape Reports” now available from Lulu press.

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Subject: The Fear of Bush

The coming weeks will decide who will be the President. The race is currently a dead heat and many have asked me what will be the deciding factor and what we as Democrats can do to assure that George W. Bush is not re-elected.

The greatest thing we can do is harness the two most powerful forces in an election: hate and fear. If you look at the times incumbents have been defeated over the past several decades, you’ll see that they’re only defeated if there is sufficient hate and/or fear to defeat them.

The hatred is one area I think we’re doing quite well on. It’s taken a lot of hard work to come to achieve what we have. We’ve gone far beyond the level of hatred achieved by Clinton-haters. We’ve made it an international past-time. When I go to France or Germany, or other countries across the world, it’s a conversation starter. You can recognize a Bush-hater by the look of contempt on their face when (so-called) President Bush appears on the TV screen.

Indeed, those of us who hate Bush are the majority of the world. Think about this, more people get up each day thinking, “I hope Bush loses” then pray for peace in the world. I will say that Bush-hating has made me a praying man. Every day, I pray to Christ, Allah, and five Hindu gods for the defeat of George W. Bush.

However popular this attitude is worldwide, unfortunately current law disenfranchises citizens of other countries from voting in US elections. Until this corrected, we must accept that the level of hatred is at an extremely high level and we’ll have to focus on getting people to fear the re-election of President Bush.

Of course, the enemy has been using fear. It’s outrageous for Dick Cheney to suggest that John Kerry’s re-election would lead to another terrorist attack on America. We have to overcome this by spreading our message that thousands more American soldiers will die if Bush stays President.

This is a key fear to try and plant in the hearts of all Americans. One must predict the deaths of several thousand to get people’s fear up. A thousand more will not weaken anyone’s resolve. We must argue that we’ll be in Iraq for years and see Vietnam-like death tolls in the tens of thousands.

Second, we must scare out the youth vote with the specter of a draft. If only Richard Nixon had kept the draft in place, Reagan would have never come to power because the youth would have stayed active on our behalf. Now, the youth votes in small numbers and is divided between the two parties. However, a little bit of fear and we can drive up our percentage of the youth vote as brave souls discover a new-found pacifism.

Next, it’s important to get everyone afraid of Bush’s plan for Social Security. Seniors must be afraid that it will lead to cuts in their benefits. Everyone else must be told that Bush’s scheme is risky and will endanger the solvency of Social Security by gambling with the money in the stock market.

We need to make Americans afraid that Bush will destroy the environment. He will totally ravage the Earth, clear cut all of our forests, and eliminate life on Earth as we know it.

Bush’s deficits will burden generations of future Americans with unbearable debt, while rich corporations profit.

Finally, get anyone who favors abortion (even if it’s just in the cases of Rape and incest) scared to death that if Bush is re-elected and gets his way on the Court, he’ll appoint Justices of the Supreme Court who’ll overturn Roe v. Wade which will leave thousands of women bleeding to death from back-alley abortions.

Now, the key to generating fear is to manipulate people’s emotions enough so they don’t investigate your claims too carefully. Firstly, never directly answer the question, “What would Senator Kerry do differently?” particularly in regards to Iraq. The truth is we don’t know. Our only answer is “better than Bush”. Some key phrases you can used when asked this question:

“George Bush lied to get us into this war..”

“Bush knew Saddam didn’t have weapons of Mass Destruction. We went there for oil.” (Note if someone asks why gas prices are so high, tell them that Bush’s oil buddies are getting a break but not passing it on to the American consumer.)

“The world hates us because of this president. We need allies to beat terror and Bush has made enemies out of our friends.” (Move on quickly to another topic if there’s a conservative around who might argue “with friends like them who needs enemies.”)

As to Social Security, immediately change the subject if anyone mentions that Social Security is going bankrupt in 30 years if we don’t do anything. Remember, the main people we’re targeting are senior citizens and most of these geezers don’t care what will happen 30 years down the road.

We have to understand the importance of preserving Social Security as is. There are two groups of people who invest their money, those who lose it all and those who retire with such good insurance and financial means that they don’t need our help. The first result is desirable, while the second is clearly a problem.

The less people invest, the more people are dependent on us and our programs. We must through all our media channels encourage people to take as safe a route as possible with their money. I’d like to see every working person who had extra money shove it in a safety deposit box so that it would be safe for when they need it, without having to deal with pesky things like interest or high taxes on withdraws.

As to the environment, never let anyone think for one moment, “Wait, Bush is just one president. He’s got four more years in office max. The Earth has been around for billions of years. How could he possibly destroy in this time frame?” At that point, you’ll have lost them. Focus their mind on emotional memories of the Exxon-Valdez oil spill, not on logical views of the impact of one presidential term on the environment. Especially avoid discussion of the science of this, because Conservatives have so-called “scientists” on their side who while total charlatans will confuse the average voter.

On the deficit, offer no plan to reduce it as we have no plan other than to roll back the Bush tax cuts. If you can, try and get people to avoid doing math lest they figure out that even if all the tax cuts were repealed, the country would still be more than $300 billion in the red.

On abortion, you want people to not understand what repealing Roe v. Wade would do. Our friends in the media have been successful at equating the repeal of Roe v. Wade with a nationwide ban on all abortions. Of course, we know that a repeal of Roe v. Wade would only return the abortion issue to the states where we’ve already packed most of the state courts with judges who would never allow abortion to be illegalized. While most Americans don’t want to ban all abortions, the idea of letting states decides can be made to sound very moderate and fair, something that we want to avoid.

People say they don’t know what John Kerry’s plan for America is. They don’t understand what he’ll actually do, but this isn’t important. When one has hate and fear on your side, you don’t need much else.

Regards,
Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking. You can subscribe to the reports by clicking here.

The Screwtape Reports

By Adam Graham

If you liked what you read, there’s more in “The Screwtape Reports” now available from Lulu press.

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Screwtape #17

From: Dave Screwtape

To: DNC, Democratic Senators and Congressmen, Our Media Allies

Subject: Handling the Swifties

While I’ve been busy helping organize activists in the various states and pre-ordering necessary materials (such as alcohol and cigarettes) for our “Get out the vote” drive in the housing impaired community, I’ve received panicked letters regarding the Swift Vets for Truth.

I do want to assure you that for the most part you’ve taken a good tact. The Conservative media is launching at this like dogs at red meat and you must combat this. There are some major pitfalls you must avoid, however.

Some erstwhile analysts have e-mailed me asking what the strongest argument is to show that John Kerry really played a heroic role in Vietnam. If you’re one of the those, you have missed the swift boat, so to speak.

The last thing we want to do is get into argument with old military men about what happened 36 years ago. You can only lose credibility debating this. For example, Senator Kerry’s claim to be in Cambodia on Christmas Eve, 1968 is a land mine you’d best avoid. He blamed President Richard Nixon for sending him there while denying his presence in the country. While I’m sure, Nixon did send him to Cambodia, Nixon had to have made the request in an unofficial capacity as he didn’t take office for another month. Most people don’t believe that Navy lieutenants have to obey orders from Republican President-elects. Try and explain that simple fact and you’ll come off as foolish.

In a greater sense, truth doesn’t matter. While the name of the group is “Swift Vets for Truth”. Truth has nothing to do with their mission. They should be, “Swift Vets Against Kerry”. No one really knows what happened 36 years ago except for John Kerry—and Richard Nixon.

The Republican talk show hosts are inviting these swift vets on because their trying to damage John Kerry. These people are relatively credible as they served in Vietnam, many in the same region as Kerry. We emphasized Vietnam at the Convention and the Republicans are trying to shove it down our throats.

As for us, for all we know, the Swift Vets are telling the truth and Kerry’s first Purple Heart was self-inflicted and none of them were that serious. I honestly don’t care. All I know is that these accusations are dangerous to our national ambitions. While outside, we must be pretentious about the importance of truth, lets not let it color our deliberations.

Also lets change the subject whenever they mention atrocities in Vietnam. Senator Kerry’s 1971 statements have left us in an interesting position. We must defend his service in Vietnam while also defending his statements accusing himself and others who served in Vietnam of being war criminals.

Here’s how you handle one of these questions about the Swift Vets. “This is gutter politics at its worst. How dare these people attack John Kerry. He went and served his country while George W. Bush was AWOL from the Alabama National Guard.” Yes, it’s an argument from outrage, but when we get into facts, that gets risky because facts you can debate and bring forth evidence. There’s no answer to outrage and if you try and argue against it, you get shot down appropriately, “How dare you question the patriotism of John Kerry while Dick Cheney took student deferments to get out of serving his country.” Get a few talking points and whenever asked, argue from outrage. Argue that George W. Bush is behind this plot to destroy a good man and that this is a despicable campaign of character assassination. If they ask you about the allegations, respond with outrage that they’re even asking questions about a great American like Senator Kerry.

The argument from outrage will serve you well and we’ll defeat the Swift Vets and the Bush goons.

Best Regards,
Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking. You can subscribe to the reports by clicking here.

The Screwtape Reports

By Adam Graham

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