Democrats Plan Passage of Health Care Reform Through Hidden Gavel Trick

Washington, DC (Satire)-Realizing that the Slaughter Rule may be too controversial to obtain 216 votes, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Democratic leadership are proposing a rarely used procedure known as the “Hidden Gavel Trick” combined with the “Reverse Roll Call.”

Under the Hidden Gavel Trick, the U.S. House will not meet in its normal chambers and opponents or undecideds on the President’s health care plan will not be told where it id meeting. Instead, Democratic members of the House will go incognitio to a secret location somewhere the Washington DC metro area. Three Democratic members of the House will hire actors to create decoy Congresses to throw Republicans and Bart Stupak off the trail.

However, House rules require a quorum to be present, which is unlikely if the Hidden Gavel Trick is used. Democrats say they will implement what’s known as a Reverse Roll Call where the roll is called of members who are “Not There.”

“If you don’t answer the roll call, you’re assumed to be there,” explained House Democratic Caucus Chairman John Larson (D-CT.)

Republicans blasted the procedure as “unprecedented, insane, unconstitutional, and illegal.”

Speaker Pelosi dismissed the complaints, saying, “They can’t argue the substance,  so they’re arguing procedure.”

Larson said, “I don’t think the American people care how we pass this.” He added, “Americans desperately want us to pass this health care reform that they overwhelmingly despise. Americans support this plan, they just don’t know it.” Asked what he would tell Americans who think they opposed comprehensive health care reform and what Republican call extraordinary measures to pass it, Larson replied, “I’d quote that great detective, Monk. You’ll thank us later.”