Political Funerals R Us
Posted by Adam Graham in : PoliticsDo you want a funeral that says something very important? A funeral like people such as Paul Wellstone get? Then Consider “Political Funerals R Us,” the new funeral service for Democrats.
This service will be great for those who are modest in that party, for the funeral will barely focus on them. Rather, than being an occassion of remembering them, my firm will make sure the focus is on finding ways to attack President Bush.
First of all, we want to focus on whatever caused your death being the fault of George W. Bush. Here are some causes of death and how they can be exploited:
1) Car Accident
-George W. Bush is in bed with big oil which encourages the manufacture of inefficient Big SUVs like the one that flattened you like a pancake.
2) Heart Attack
-George W. Bush supports liability reform and banning lawsuits against fast food companies where you ate too many Big Macs which murdered you.
3) AIDS or Cancer
-You died because George W. Bush didn’t spend enough money to find a cure, because with any disease if you throw enough money at it, you’ll cure it.
4) Shot to Death
-George W. Bush is in the pocket of the NRA, which is responsible for all gun deaths in America. In addition, the killer probably bought his gun with his portition of the irresponsible Bush tax cut for the wealthiest 1%.
Next thing you need to do is decide on a choice of music for the ceremony. Here’s some of the high quality choices we offer:
1) War-What’s It Good For?
2) I Am Woman
3) Whatever Happened to Peace on Earth (Willie Nelson)
4) Puff the Magic Dragon
5) Kumbaya*
*Because of controversial religious undertones and hierarchal issues, Kumbaya will be sung without “My Lord” with humming occurring where the words “My Lord” would appear in Hierarchal songs. Thus,
“Someone singin’ *hum* Kumbaya Someone’s Singing *hum* Kumbaya, Oh *hum* Kumbaya”
If you prepay, you can choose any other protest song.
In our budget package, in place of the Eulogy, we will play Farenheit 9-1-1. Alternately, for a small fee, you can have the leaders of the local Abortion Rights Coalition, ACLU, and Green Peace come and say a few words over you.
A bonus of prepaying is that you can let us know which relatives you’re coming are Republicans or Independents and will tailor the messages to them. If your guests are going to be Religious Conservatives or Religious Moderates, we’ll be sure to have our speakers attack the religious right. If they work for a lumber company, we’ll have them vigorously attack the lumber companies. In other generations, it was called tacky and inconsiderate. We call it speaking truth to power and it will really increase support for the Democratic Party.
We guarantee to produce a funeral so tacky, Bill Clinton will condemn it as undignified. Order now and we’ll include a special engraving inside your casket of George W. Bush falling off his bike, so even from beyond the grave you can laugh at the misfortunes of the “so-called” President.
Place your order today.
“Tasetless? We Don’t Know the Meaning of the Word?”
Linked to Jo’s Cafe
Comment by "Radical" Russ [Visitor]
Clever.
With all the brouhaha over the Coretta Scott King funeral, I get the nagging feeling we all may be ignoring more important issues. It’s become so obvious that we “lefties” have fallen very out of touch with mainstream America.
So, in the interest of honest inquiry and tolerance for dissenting views, we owe it to ourselves as “lefties” to learn from our morally superior brothers and sisters on the right side of the aisle (why do you think they call it “right”, anyway?).
We have so much to learn, and so little time before the Rapture comes and condemns us to a thousand-year reign of hell on earth. I propose we all take the opportunity to educate ourselves by asking our friends to complete A Modest Survey: Fifty Questions for Compassionate Christian Conservatives.
1. If the president admits to breaking the 1978 FISA Law in order to spy illegally on American citizens and the president pledges to stay vigilant in the pursuit of lawbreakers, does he have to run endless laps around a circular jogging track?
2. Since the president has absolute power to do anything he chooses when he declares a war on nouns, was it more irresponsible of Richard Nixon to not just shoot all the drug users when he declared War on Drugs, or was it more irresponsible of Lyndon Johnson to not just imprison the poor when he declared War on Poverty?
3. If the majority leader of a party is indicted for ethics issues involving an indicted lobbyist, and is then given a chairmanship on the very subcommittee that oversees the Justice Department that is investigating that lobbyist, is it proper to call him “Mr. Chairman” or “Congressman”?
4. Assuming we need to get tough militarily with Iran, what will you be doing to personally convince more poor people to enlist for the military?
5. Is our national deficit in danger of creating a drastic shortage of commas and zeroes?
6. How much body armor can you buy for the cost of an Alaskan bridge?
7. Does a person specifically have to have judged Arabian horses to be qualified to run FEMA, or will any breed of horse be sufficient?
8. Now that the election is over, is okay with you that the senior senator from Arizona fathered an illegitimate black baby?
9. How many voting machines in poor minority districts are “too many”?
10. If a president gets oral sex from an intern in the Oval Office, does that negate his authority to imprison people indefinitely without charges, communication, or counsel?
11. If Dan Rather receives fake documents claiming Col. Jack Killian sought uranium from Niger, can the newsman break into the Colonel’s house?
12. Just because we vote alongside Iran against gay rights in the UN, does that mean we can’t invade them later?
13. Who would Jesus subject to interrogation techniques not approximating the pain of imminent organ failure?
14. If you lose your Visa Check Card in Iraq and someone rings up $8.8 billion in charges, will they hold you liable for the loss?
15. How many covert secret agents working on counterproliferation of WMDs do you have to “out” in order to truly keep America safe?
16. When you’re trying to draw terrorists out of their holes, is it more effective to lure them to unguarded ports and unchecked airline cargo holds, or would it be better pull Al Gore and Ray Charles out of line at airport security?
17. If Congress gives you authorization to use all necessary military force to protect America in a time of war, are you allowed to use more electronic surveillance than George Washington did?
18. When a major national disaster hits a Gulf Coast city, are you allowed to take a mulligan on the 18th hole?
19. How much harder should we make it for seniors to get their Medicare prescription drugs in order to convince them to let us privatize Social Security?
20. Considering the epidemic of overgrown brush taking over our country’s critterless Texas ranches, shouldn’t we just do away with Presidential Daily Briefs altogether?
21. When the people whose country you invade shower you with roses, can you deduct the cost of vases from your taxes?
22. Since Shaquille O’Neal is the best slam dunker in the NBA, shouldn’t he get a Presidential Medal of Freedom, too?
23. In light of the incredible success in Afghanistan, shouldn’t we do something similar domestically by letting heroin gangs control our local politics?
24. If four jumbo jets make U-turns over American airspace, how long should we wait before shooting down Payne Stewart’s plane?
25. In order to combat the rising worldwide cost of children’s shoes, how can we convince the other nations of the world to oppose a land mine ban treaty?
26. How far away from the president should a “free speech zone” be to best ensure we fully recognize the right of the people to peaceable assemble and petition their government for a redress of grievances with smoke signals?
27. After you exchange many personal letters and on multiple occasions borrow the corporate jet of someone you barely know and can’t remember, is it appropriate to write “To Whom It May Concern” on the thank you card?
28. How many baseball players have to testify under oath before the Senate in order to get to the bottom of wiretapping scandals, oil price gouging, and the events of 9/11?
29. How many times do you have to say “Bring it on” before they really start to bring it on?
30. Once we permanently prevent gays from getting married, will it be longer or shorter than a decade before heterosexual divorce disappears altogether?
31. Considering how dangerous cheap Canadian prescription drugs are, shouldn’t we be addressing the menace that is Canadian bacon?
32. Why aren’t we utilizing the incredible video diagnosis skills of Dr. Bill Frist to help some of our wounded soldiers? Is it the satellite feed time delay that’s causing problems?
33. When are we going to Mars already? That’s got to be where Saddam hid the WMDs!
34. Now that religious pharmacists don’t have to dispense birth control, do alcoholic priests have to offer the sacrament?
35. When you attend a soldier’s funeral, how far away should the president and vice president remain to avoid the bullets falling from the sky from the 21-gun salute?
36. Now that no children are left behind, how long before we crack the top 25 in math & science in the world?
37. Once we finally get the Ten Commandments in all of our courthouses, what should be the mandatory minimum sentence for worshipping graven images or dishonoring your mother and father?
38. Soon enough abortion will be illegal, so what is a fair rate for an attorney to charge to defend a miscarriage?
39. How many more tax cuts should we give the super rich to ensure we have enough tax money for all the faith-based organizations?
40. Since we know abstinence education will eliminate teenage premarital sex, should I sell my shares in Trojan?
41. How much do we have to cut in Student Loan funding to make the GI Bill great again?
42. Why do people keep talking about Darfur as if there was oil there?
43. Now that we’ve completely debunked the global warming myth, how can we transform our energies into making polar bears better swimmers?
44. Now that school boards are recognizing the science of Intelligent Design, can we just replace mathematics with readings from the book of Numbers?
45. If Nancy Reagan came down with Alzheimer’s disease, would it be enough for her to forget about supporting the murder of womb babies for medical research?
46. Which democratically-elected leader of an oil-rich South American country would Jesus assassinate?
47. If the president of the NAACP or the chair of the Congressional Black Caucus should die, does the president have to meet with the rest of the members while he attends the funeral?
48. If we don’t pass tort reform soon, how many other little girls will scramble to have their large intestines sucked out through their anus by a hot tub drain in the pursuit of a big payday?
49. If there is too much mercury in the fish on your pregnant wife’s plate, can you at least use the fish to take her basal temperature?
(OK, c’mon Russ, we’re almost home. Just one more question you’re dying to ask Compassionate Christian Conservatives…)
50. WHERE’S OSAMA?
(Sorry. I’ve got no joke for that one.)
Comment by Adam Graham [Member]
The answer to your question is that if you post 50 sepeserate questions, people will skim them and move on. Most on the left won’t have to worry about the millenium.
Comment by "Radical" Russ [Visitor]
OK, then, just answer #50.
Comment by Adam Graham [Member]
Somewhere in the Eastern Hemisphere.
Comment by Andrea Graham [Member]
We have so much to learn, and so little time before the Rapture comes
–Don’t hold your breath. First, he’s not coming until the last trump, so even if the tribulation starts tomorrow, a lot of us will be dead by the time he gets here. Second, we’ve been waiting around 2000 years already and don’t nobody know when he’s gonna get here. With all due respect, Jesus, your idea of quickly ain’t mine. Think Peter said as much. The apostles all thought he would be back in their own life time, and I suspect every generation since has hoped to be the last. For all we know, could be another 4,000 years of history left to unfold. Of course, death comes quickly for us all in the scope of eternity.
Serious, Russ, the Pre-Trib Rapture nonsense is your best friend. If the church wasn’t sitting around wailing how it’s just going to get worse and worse until Jesus gets back and hailing every victory on your side as a sign Jesus will be back tomorrow, but actually got off her duff and stood for what she believes in, politics would look very different in America. It’s a deception, with all due respect to my brethern, from the pits of hell and we’re buying it hook, line, and sinker.
Comment by Jo [Visitor]
Great Post — too bad you have some idiot leftist who can’t see past their blind hatred of a man they’ve never met to come in and post 50 odd questions — that I yes skipped over as it’s nothing more than the Howard Dean talking points posted @ Move On.org for all liberal kool-aid drinking nuts to consume and spot off on a daily basis.
Comment by Andrea Graham [Member]
We’ll definitely make converts by adding to all the name calling that has got the dialogue in this country about as meaningful as that between two children decking it out on the play ground, but thank you.
Comment by "Radical" Russ [Visitor]
Jo, I don’t hate George W. Bush. As you observed, I haven’t met the man. In fact, if I met him in the hotel bar of a Hilton, I bet we’d get along really well. Especially if I met him a few years ago, when we could tell a few raunchy jokes, watch a game on the big screen, and get rip-roaring drunk. Maybe if I’m lucky he offers to share a couple of lines of coke. Of course, he’ll have to drive us home; he’s much better at getting out of DUIs. (Lord knows we can’t let Laura drive; who knows who she’ll run over and kill next.)
What I hate is that George W. Bush is our president and has done more in five years to destroy this country than Osama bin Laden could ever have hoped for or any “tax-and-spend liberal” could ever accomplish. We’ve got small government conservatives defending a man who’s grown the government to gargantuan levels, fiscal responsibility conservatives defending a man who’s grown the budget and trade deficits to record levels, law-and-order conservatives defending a man who’s authorized warrantless wiretapping in blatant disregard for the law and Constitution, Christian conservatives defending a man whose equivocation of “torture” makes Bill Clinton shake his head and wonder “they impeached me for ‘is’?”, national security conservatives who have no problem outing covert agents in a time of war for partisan revenge, and all the while STILL trying to pin it all on Bill Clinton.
Seriously, take any of these alleged MoveOn talking points (which is NOT where I get my questions; I don’t need political groups or Howard Dean to do my thinking for me) and just insert “Hillary Clinton” wherever the name “George Bush” appears, and honestly tell me you wouldn’t be pulling the impeachment card and screaming from the high hills. I’ll get you started:
“Today, President Hillary Clinton authorized the NSA to ignore the 1978 FISA law to wiretap domestic phone calls if Attorney General Alan Dershowitz believes one end of the call might be an al Qaeda sympathizer. Attorney General Dershowitz and National Security Advisor Wesley Clark claim the Constitution and the Congressional Authorization of Military Force give Mrs. Clinton the authority to bypass FISA in a time of war. Those sentiments were echoed today by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in a radio interview given on today’s Randi Rhodes radio show.”
And, for your information, while most of my opinions are left of yours, I wouldn’t call myself a “leftist”. Many of my positions differ from orthodox liberal dogma (for example, I think citizens should be allowed to possess 50-cal machine guns, body armor, and shoulder-launched rockets. Not a very popular stance with my Liberal and Green buddies.)
But go ahead, skip the questions, just like you’ve skipped any recognition of the objective documentation of the crimes, corruption, cronyism, and incompetance of this administration over the last five years. Because as long as the faith-based money faucet is flowin’, the gay bashing continues, the blastocysts are f*tishized, the Muslims are demonized, and the Praise Jesus talkin’ continues, you can just close your eyes, trust your Born-Again™ president, and pray everything will be alright. Me, I don’t have that luxury.
9/11. Katrina. Torture. Abramoff. DeLay. Cunningham. Brownie. Osama free. Your President. Your Congress. Your Party.