Wheel Of Allegations

Idaho liberals. What can you say for them? They’re obsessed with attacking Bryan Fischer and string together conspiracy theories based on little more than supposition and coincidence.

Why do they tear down good people on flimsy evidence? Is it a game with them? Maybe, it is. A game before an audience. Fellow bitter Idaho liberals all across Idaho huddle around computer screens. They’re spread out from Bonner’s Ferry to Twin Falls and beyond. But for the moment, lets imagine them all packed in a small auditorium, creating that fervent energy required for Idaho’s favorite liberal game show featuring a generic TV show host and two generic bloggers. The names have been changed, but the allegations in the “correct answers” have been made in one form or another by Gem State bloggers:

Crowd: Wheel of Allegations

Host: Welcome to Wheel of Allegations, the Democrats’ favorite game show. I’m your host Brent Lockjaw. Idaho Democrats face a formidable challenge. We seek to run Republicans out of office on a tidal wave of scandal, but we face one minor problem. We don’t have any Republicans in our state with current scandals. It’s true Butch Otter had some scandals, but those predate the musical career of Hanson. We need help. Today, we have two Idaho bloggers with us, Stardust and Bob.

Stardust: Hey, everybody, we’re going to turn the map pretty purple here in Idaho.

Bob: Hi, is that Bryan Fischer in the first row? You dirty rotten-

Host: No, that’s not Bryan Fischer, that’s Cecil Andrus.

Bob: Does he know Bryan Fischer?

Host: No. Now, here’s how the way the game works. You’ll each take turns spinning the wheel. I will tell you a fact and you will come up with an allegation to go with the fact. You require no proof, the allegation alone will do. Stardust, you will go first.

(Stardust spins the wheel. It Lands on Bill Sali.)

Host (reads from a card): “Bill Sali, a long time conservative legislator, who has voted against both tax increases and increased spending is endorsed by a national group that is against tax increases and increased spending.” What is your allegation?

Stardust: Bill Sali is being bought by secret out-of-state interests!

Host: Absolutely correct! Flawless logic! Spin that wheel.

(Stardust spins the wheel. It Lands on Butch Otter.)

Host (reads from a card): Butch Otter served in the National Guard.

Stardust: Um, he’s part of the military industrial complex.

Buzz

Host: I’m sorry that’s not correct. Bob, care to take a guess?

Bob: He’s a draft dodger.

Host: Correct. Spin that wheel!

Bob: Otter’s running for Senate, right?

Host: No, Governor.

Bob: There’s a difference?

Host: Just spin the wheel!

(Bob Spins the wheel and it lands on Bill Sali.)

Host: Bill Sali has raised thousands at a Washington, DC fundraiser for top Republicans and expects visits from heavyweights such as Dick Cheney and Dennis Hastert.

Bob: Wow, that’s a lot of support. I mean, how are we going to beat that much money-

(Buzzer buzzes repeatedly.)

Host: Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Stardust, do you have the right answer?

Stardust: It means Republicans are desperate to hold the seat.

Host: Absolutely correct. The more Republicans out-fundraise us, the stronger we are. It makes perfect sense, just don’t think about it. Stardust, spin that wheel.

(Stardust spins the wheel and it lands on “Jim Risch”.)

Host: Jim Risch loaned himself $300,000 in his 2002 campaign.

Stardust: He doesn’t know how to manage money.

*buzz*

Host: Bob?

Bob: He’ll have to borrow it from Byran Fischer.

*buzz*

Host: Wrong. Obviously, he’s going to raise the money back from 5 digit contributions from Idaho Corporations in exchange for corporate goodies while in office.

Bob: Oh, of course, and who’s head of the Corporations? None other than-

Host: Enough! Spin again, Stardust!
(Stardust spins the wheel and it lands on “Bill Sali.”)

Host: Stardust, “Bill Sali has admitted to having brain fade and has joked that it inhibits his critical thinking skills, but that those aren’t required for the legislature.”

Stardust: Oh wow, I don’t like Sali, but that’s just cool. You know a lot of people just let life get them down when they have an accident. He’s just kind of graceful and humorous about the whole thing.

*buzz*

Host: Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Stop acting like a human being or we’ll never win! Bob, please come up with a solution.

Bob: We shouldn’t elect anyone with a disability to Congress.

Host: That’s absolutely correct. Bob, spin the wheel!

(Bob spins the wheel and it lands on “Bill Sali.”)

Host: Bill Sali has had a rocky relationship with his party leadership (whom we utterly despise) culminating with House Speaker Bruce Newcombe saying, “That idiot is just an absolute idiot.” Tell me, Bob, for the win, what does this prove?

(Bob stands still for a few seconds looking quizzical.)

Bob: That the speaker needs a thesaurus.

*buzz*

Host: No! That’s not an allegation!

Bob: Oops.

Host: Stardust, you can win.

Stardust: I know the answer!

Host: Good!

Stardust: I know the answer!

Host: Great!

Stardust: I know the answer!

Host: Will you just spit it out?

Stardust: We shouldn’t elect anyone with a disability to Congress.

*buzz*

Host: Unfortunately, that’s the wrong allegation. The correct allegation for this would be that this proves that Bill Sali works poorly with a legislative leadership that we utterly despise, therefore we will not vote for Bill Sali.

The game ends tied, but since this is a liberal game show, you both win. Donny, tell them what they won!

Donny: You’ve won the erosion of Idaho politics. You’ll find honest people running for office increasingly scarce thanks to your brand new round of baseless allegations.

Through your efforts, you’ve poisoned the well of political debate for decades to come, insured acrimony, helped divide neighbors from neighbors, decreased voter participation, and created even more cynicism towards government. All this is yours, courtesy of Wheel of Allegations.

(Stardust and Bob celebrate.)

Host: Wait a second. That’s not supposed to be the prize and that doesn’t sound like our announcer. It’s-

(Stardust and Bob fall silent.)

Stardust: Adam Graham!

Bob: Wrong! That’s Bryan Fischer in an Adam Graham mask. Does that count as an extra allegation in the game?

Thus ends the Idaho liberals’ favorite game show. Tune in for the next episode at any liberal blog in Idaho.