The Screwtape Reports
By Adam Graham
From: Dave Screwtape
To: House Democrats, Senate Democrats, Democratic National Committee, Our Media Allies
Subject: Our Theology
Someone wrote me a letter asking me to defend Ted Rall's recent comments regarding Ronald Reagan. The idea is absurd. For those of you who missed it, Rall suggested that Reagan was burning in Hell.
I don't disagree with Rall because I don't believe Reagan was worthy of hell. If anyone is, worthy of hell, a Republican is. I disagree with Rall because he has violated a fundamental tenet of our theology: no one goes to Hell as we all have an equal right to enter Heaven.
Some of you may not be aware that we actually have a theology. As religion is expected to be a topic in the next campaign, it is important to review the most important stands of Democratic party theology:
First, is the question of the existence of God. It really doesn't matter whether there's a God or not but for political reasons, any candidate must declare their belief in God whether it's true or not. If you're an atheist or agnostic running for office, simply say that you believe in God but your beliefs are very private and you will be lauded by the media for the depth of your convictions even though no one knows what they are.
We must also understand that God doesn't care about politics, or alternatively in some circles, God is on our side. It may seem like the Almighty would take a concern to the affairs of nations, but he's left this whole world in our capable hands and will not interfere in the affairs of men, meaning that everything worth doing must be done by the government directly or indirectly.
God is only in our side when we're speaking in Black Churches. As African Americans see the Hand of God in the abolition of slavery and the granting of Civil Rights, it is important to stress supernatural support. In speaking to Black Churches, it is important to compare Republicans to Pharisees. Note that any attempt to make a similar statement in regards to us at a White Evangelical church by a Republican is to be condemned as divisive Religious rhetoric.
Our moral code and absolute truths are not found in the Bible or any other religious books. Rather, they are found in the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Some may find it odd that we select such a recent document as a source of rights, but we have our reasons. While the Ten Commandments give Commandments to man not to kill or steal, and the Constitution of the US gives rights to religious freedom, the Declaration of Human Rights gives people the right not to have their reputation attacked (Article 12), to have a Nationality (Article 15), the right to Welfare (Article 22), the right to Vacation (Article 24), the right to Education (Article 26), the right to participate in the arts(Article 27), and the right to fully develop a personality (Article 29). The addition of these various and sundry important rights makes the Declaration of Human Rights far superior to other documents and it placates both Hollywood and the Teacher's unions.
The best part of the Declaration of Human Rights is that men wrote it. There's no claim of divine inspiration, it is the work of man's brilliance and man's rules for society. Rather than leaning on "the words of God", we're using the brains we were given to create our own rules.
Next is the question of the afterlife. You can believe anything you like, in general. You may choose to believe in reincarnation or a more traditional Heaven. What we must not believe in under any circumstances is Hell.
Hell as a place of torment is a hateful and repugnant image and an eternity is too long for anyone to be punished. In addition, we believe that everyone (including Ronald Reagan) has a right to go to Heaven and that any discrimination based on religion is unconstitutional, and that a just and good God will follow the laws of the land. I would add that if you believe in reincarnation, it'd be perfectly appropriate to hope Ronald Reagan came back as a gay man who got AIDS.
This is important for politicians as well as our voters. While most of us only claim personal opposition to abortion in order to make us sound reasonable, some of our political leaders have deep personal problems with abortion as well as gay marriage. Their consciences bother them. The last thing they need is to believe that they'll be judged for their votes.
Many of our voters believe that our positions on social issues are immoral and abominable, but we win their votes regardless of that because they don't think their votes will ever be called into judgment.
If people believe that there are eternal punishments and that everything they do will someday be called into account by a judgmental God, it would change the way things works in Washington, as people would actually vote their consciences, something which is to be avoided.
For this reason, a physical resurrection of the dead is a definite no-no. It's fine to believe in Heaven, but to believe in the Second Coming is to believe in judgment day which as I explained previously is a huge problem. The other issue with the second coming is it implies that the Democratic Party and the worldwide liberal movement will not be able to solve the world's problems. This we cannot and will not accept.
Our friends in the entertainment media have worked tirelessly to educate the public with great success, as many believe all we say regarding eternity. It is has nothing to do with religion or voting, it has to do with being a good person who does good things.
We've also received some help from unlikely sources. The Christian Conservative leaders tout the numbers of Born Again Christians in the United States, but many of them are so poorly schooled in the tenets of their faith that they have no clue what their Bibles say. Their being born again involved saying a prayer at some point in their life and never darkening the door of a church again. The "cheap grace" evangelist who gives a person a "no-strings attached" spiritual identity with no discipline, follow up, or actual study of their scriptures is our best friend. He's like the administration of a spiritual welfare program.
And then we have the end times lunatics. By writing fiction about the return of Christ, they have succeeded in relegating it to the realm of the fantastic. Indeed, the Left Behind series predicts that the return of Christ will be preceded by almost a dozen B-movies.
Many of those who have opposed this particular end-times theory have embraced a theory that requires the building of God's kingdom on Earth. The power of their stance is incredible. First, if they ever gain the pre-eminence, we will easily paint Republicans as America's Taliban. Second, the will to oppose social welfare programs would disappear. If they're going to be building "God's Kingdom" through government then the "Kingdom" needs to take care of the poor with generous handouts, subsidies, and health care.
So, I'll conclude this report by reminding you to keep your theological bearings and remember that no matter what you do, no matter how low you sink, there is no Hell in which you will be punished.
Regards,
Dave Screwtape
The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking. You can subscribe to the reports by clicking here.
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